Monday, September 12, 2011


Dear Mr. Narcissus,

Bite me.
Much love [but not],

Srsly. K, first of all I was SUPER DUPER TOTALLY productive today. It's like I'm an adult or something.

Except for my adultness leads to that......uh oh
(Full credit goes to Hyperbole and a Half for that graph. It's genius. Go read it. NOW.)

For serious though, I woke up for starters. Then I made food (as previously seen on This is Today). Then I took a freaking shower and SHAVED. I took a real life razor to my legs, people. This is adulthood. And then, I--OH! And I put the dishes in the dishwasher earlier than the shower. Forgot about that (I'm such an adult I can't even keep track of it all). I put a load of laundry in, left it to do its thang, did some grocery shopping and in coming back from that lovely venture out into the world I happened upon Mr. N[arcissus]. 
Mr. N was being a total creeper and sitting his bald self directly out in front of our apartment building all by hi lonesome. Just sitting there. I don't know what he was doing. I hope he had a book or something, not just people watching. Or just waiting for someone to happen along (such as myself) so he could pop up and spew forth more tantalizing facts of awesomeness about himself. 
Now, secondly, due to the fact that I was so stinking productive today I had to let some other things go. Such as my social presentability. I looked basically like some sort of trailer park tramp who happened upon an empty shower stall that actually spouted water....weird. It's a miracle I even blow-dried my hair. 
No makeup, no deoderant (but I promise I didn't smell--straight outta the shower, remember?), blue gym shorts, zipper jacket over my sports bra (that's right, no shirt. I'mma rebel), and fluffy house slippers.
Trailer. park. tramp
(oh, btdubs, just so no one is misled, the jacket was zipped up and thick and I'm not a slut. I promise. Cali hasn't gotten to me that much)
So Mr. N, no joke, he pops up as I walk by carrying my bags from VONS and is like, 
"So what'dja get??"
o.O really? We're not friends, buddy. You don't go asking people about their groceries! I wanted to be like, 
"Oh ya know, tampons and some diarrhea medication and a couple bottles of KY intense brand....stuff...." except for I don't actually know anything about those products so I'd sound like a jittery mental patient along with my trailer park tramp image and not to mention he'd prolly be like,
"Oh, the girls I'm with don't need that KY stuff. I got all they need right. here."
And then I'd puke on his fuzzy bald head.

....thinking back on that, I shoulda gone with that route.
Unfortunately, I am plagued with that "I can always think of a better comeback...after the fact" disease of stupidity and unwitdom. So I was stuck with him analyzing the items through the plastic bags and exclaiming,
"That's a lot of ice cream!"
Dude, I know the sports bra kinda squishes 'em down but those ARE boobs. Meaning female. Thusly, yeah I buy ice cream!
I corrected him because he misidentified my slimfast as ice cream (though there is a tub of Cookie Dough Ice Cream chillin' in my a villain) and then he spies the corndogs and pretty much sneers,
"Slimfast meets corndogs?"
"Wow you fatty. Way to fail at life and attempt weight control and WHERE'S YOUR SELF ESTEEM?? Want some of mine? I have too much, it's nauseating"
I mighta added some things in there. Maybe, it's a possibility.
For the record, slimfast is an easy filling breakfast I can grab on the run to the busstop. I am not hardcore into weight loss or nuthin, I know I'm not fat and also; I like the taste.
So :P thlbhpghlthpblhlght to you, Mr. N. No one likes you, anyway.

And that's what I have to say about that.


because it's too good to not share everywhere.


  1. HOPE!! I want you to know I love your blog! I think the way you write is hilarious, and witty, and totally engaging. I love your random mind. :D Keep it up, I'm reading!


  2. Thank you, Abby! I skip on over to your blog every once in awhile as well. Fun to see what's going on :)
    Glad you enjoy my random xD

  3. Good Post Hope. Consistently bring comedic relief to my days. Keep it up :-)