I Need a Therapist

It would be really, really convenient if my brain would realize I'm engaged.
Or that 'single' is not synonymous with 'unmarried', and only means that. What exactly am I saying? I'm saying there would be a lot less awkward situations prevalent in my life. Such as going to the grocery store to buy groceries cuz I haven't been in two weeks and that means my edible stockpile was getting low...
But due to the fact that I has not been keeping up with muh pantry, I had to buy a lot of stuff. And I don't have a car. Only my bike. So $100 worth of groceries fills up a bicycle pretty fast.
And increases the likelihood of crashing and dying or merely maiming oneself to the point of irrepairability (apparently that's not a word but really. It should be).
So I was just going to walk my overflowing-with-plastic-bags bike the two blocks home and call it a day! No harm done!
Except there's a group of people that hang out outside the Starbucks and Subway right next to the grocery store which is right where I hafta walk.
And when I say 'group of people' I mean weird conglomerate smattering of weirdos including but not limited to homeless, druggie, drunk and incoherent humans.
Up till now I have traversed this "social leper" zone safely and walked away with only the burning stares engraved into the back of my head and behind my eyes. Today though; a tall black man with the appearance of cleanliness passed by going the other way as I was making my way home.....
Him: [acknowledge nod] Hey...
Me: [eye contact] Hi...
Dang it! Dear Line-of-eyesight, STOP IT.
Him: How you doin' today?
Me: Fine.
Too many groceries, can't run away...keep walking, keep walking!
Him: [taking steps to keep eyes trained on my face] Hey...hey, are you single?

Now, lemme just put in a disclaimer and explain why I'm stupid. In my head, "single" has always meant unmarried. I'm taken, yes but I'm not a MRS. so therefore, I'm single. I am a single person. Not helped by the fact that I never referred to my first boyfriend as 'boyfriend' and my second boyfriend and I were hardly 'officialized' (as in never actually called each other 'boyfriend & girlfriend') viewing myself as not single is not something that comes easily to my mind.
And so that is how I said...

Me: Yes.
Wait, no! I'm not! I'm engaged!! What the heck??!? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, STOOPID??!
Him: [almost speaks]
Me: [sputtering] Well, no I mean--I...well, I just...I'm not married....(yet)
Him: Well until you're married, you're single...[looks far too satisfied with self]
[weak laugh]
Him: Would you date a black man?
Me: [not hearing correctly] No...
Him: ....nn--
Me: [catching up] Oh! Yeah--well, no I....
Just give up idiot. Walking away now.
Him: [calling after me] Can I get your number?!
Me: No.
[look over shoulder] oh no. oh no, no, no don't follow me! Don't be a creeper! Why are you on your phone and grinning at me? Are you calling your cronies to drive by in their white van and snatch me? I don't wanna be sold as a prostitute!!


Thank you "Taken" for utterly ruining my inherent faith in strangers.
To clarify; Um. No. I am not ashamed of being engaged or of my relationship with Mark. YES, words just spit out of my mouth sometimes even if they're completely NOT AT ALL what I meant to say.

It's a problem.

My life. In a nutshell.

Z-formation

Dear Mr. Narcissus,

TAKE YOUR JUDGING EYES AND BALDY HEAD ELSEWHERE. Yes, I bought slimfast AND corndogs.
Bite me.
Much love [but not],
Hope.

Srsly. K, first of all I was SUPER DUPER TOTALLY productive today. It's like I'm an adult or something.

Except for my adultness leads to that......uh oh

(Full credit goes to Hyperbole and a Half for that graph. It's genius. Go read it. NOW.)

For serious though, I woke up for starters. Then I made food (as previously seen on This is Today). Then I took a freaking shower and SHAVED. I took a real life razor to my legs, people. This is adulthood. And then, I--OH! And I put the dishes in the dishwasher earlier than the shower. Forgot about that (I'm such an adult I can't even keep track of it all). I put a load of laundry in, left it to do its thang, did some grocery shopping and in coming back from that lovely venture out into the world I happened upon Mr. N[arcissus]. 

Mr. N was being a total creeper and sitting his bald self directly out in front of our apartment building all by hi lonesome. Just sitting there. I don't know what he was doing. I hope he had a book or something, not just people watching. Or just waiting for someone to happen along (such as myself) so he could pop up and spew forth more tantalizing facts of awesomeness about himself. 

Now, secondly, due to the fact that I was so stinking productive today I had to let some other things go. Such as my social presentability. I looked basically like some sort of trailer park tramp who happened upon an empty shower stall that actually spouted water....weird. It's a miracle I even blow-dried my hair. 

No makeup, no deoderant (but I promise I didn't smell--straight outta the shower, remember?), blue gym shorts, zipper jacket over my sports bra (that's right, no shirt. I'mma rebel), and fluffy house slippers.

Trailer. park. tramp. 

(oh, btdubs, just so no one is misled, the jacket was zipped up and thick and I'm not a slut. I promise. Cali hasn't gotten to me that much)

So Mr. N, no joke, he pops up as I walk by carrying my bags from VONS and is like, 

"So what'dja get??"

o.O really? We're not friends, buddy. You don't go asking people about their groceries! I wanted to be like, 

"Oh ya know, tampons and some diarrhea medication and a couple bottles of KY intense brand....stuff...." except for I don't actually know anything about those products so I'd sound like a jittery mental patient along with my trailer park tramp image and not to mention he'd prolly be like,

"Oh, the girls I'm with don't need that KY stuff. I got all they need right. here."

And then I'd puke on his fuzzy bald head.

....thinking back on that, I shoulda gone with that route.

Unfortunately, I am plagued with that "I can always think of a better comeback...after the fact" disease of stupidity and unwitdom. So I was stuck with him analyzing the items through the plastic bags and exclaiming,
"That's a lot of ice cream!"
Dude, I know the sports bra kinda squishes 'em down but those ARE boobs. Meaning female. Thusly, yeah I buy ice cream!
I corrected him because he misidentified my slimfast as ice cream (though there is a tub of Cookie Dough Ice Cream chillin' in my freezer....like a villain) and then he spies the corndogs and pretty much sneers,
"Slimfast meets corndogs?"
aka
"Wow you fatty. Way to fail at life and attempt weight control and WHERE'S YOUR SELF ESTEEM?? Want some of mine? I have too much, it's nauseating"
I mighta added some things in there. Maybe, it's a possibility.
For the record, slimfast is an easy filling breakfast I can grab on the run to the busstop. I am not hardcore into weight loss or nuthin, I know I'm not fat and also; I like the taste.
So :P thlbhpghlthpblhlght to you, Mr. N. No one likes you, anyway.

And that's what I have to say about that.

Lastly,

because it's too good to not share everywhere.

Pros and Cons

Blue Bayou is closed for renovations....here are my thoughts.

PRO:

• The flow of things to wash has been cut down by about three-fourths.
• People are a whole lot more pleasant due to previous fact.
• Thusly, life is nice.
• And I like nice life.

CON: 

• I'MMA BE SO LAZY FOR CHRISTMAS!! 

This is bad. This is really, really bad guys! But it's so nice at the same time. I don't get soggy shoes and I don't feel like I have arthritis in my poor abused fingers and I don't splash food junk/soapy suds in my face for the majority of my shift...but once Bayou opens again in a couple months and we're right in the middle of peak season for stinking Halloween/Christmas LIFE WILL BE PAINFUL.

It will not be my most favorite ever.

Speaking of not favorite.

See, there's this guy. He's not that great. But when he talks about himself (which is constantly [I wish I was kidding]), you'd think there was a statue somewhere monumenting the awesomeness that is this dude. He's in custodial and I only see him around the bus cuz he works DCA and I'm underneath Dland all day. 

And that's all too often in my book.

The first thing I ever heard this kid say is, "I'm in such a destructive mood today!" and when all three of us standing around beside him gave him this o.O look, he continued, "I just wanna go around and smash everything."

Me and the other girl laughed, in a "oh, look you're being tough, we'll laugh and appease your pathetic little ego" way.

But then he says, "Like, I wanted to fight a mountain lion yesterday."

Um, excuse me, what??

"I was at the beach and there was a mountain lion there and I totally wanted to go up and fight it."

First of all; dude. Chill. There's no need to go aggravating the poor kitty.

Secondly; what exactly would that prove? A) you're stupid B) you're stupid and C) you have an apparent lack of self-esteem to compensate for.

I'm allowed to make that assumption because from that moment I met him onward that is how every conversation has gone. 

"I didn't mean to cut my hair this short but it's ok. I can pull it off."

"There's not one kind of person I don't get along with....well, except for one type of male. The ones that see me as competition."

"I'm very good at innuendos," um, congrats? I am, too. Big deal, "they're actually a very good tool. I tell that to every guy that comes to me for relationship advice."

"I always don't think I can cook, but then I surprise myself. You ever take a bite of something and don't want to continue eating it because it's....almost painfully blissful?"

"I used to be a very good swimmer. Better than most of the 'swim team'. But I don't really like water."

You don't like water? What the heck does that even mean??

"This girl was so mad at me last night. We played catchphrase and I'm known as the king of catchphrase back where I come from..."

"I don't wear long sleeves until it's at least 40 degrees or below..."

"I have a large nose, but it doesn't bother me."

Um, then why did you mention it?

"Everyone always remembers my name."

It's David and, sorry. That was a lucky guess on my part. So :P thlbhplghtphlh

He's a rugby player, if that helps picture the situation any.

I could go on. and on. and on. (PS--those are real actual quotes. I am not exaggerating or barely even paraphrasing). This kid is made of pure testosterone and ego. It's sickening. I snorted at one point, after his innuendo advice comment, and he caught on that I was scoffing at him....obviously he didn't appreciate it much. 

I said next to nothing the entire bus ride home tonight. He didn't seem fazed at all. He always had one more tidbit about his awesome self to pull up and talk about for the next couple minutes and I was just entertained by the fact that he thought I was interested. And I listened to my Breaking Benjamin and Muse through the one earbud and nodded every once in awhile, sometimes laughing.

Every time I did say something he'd go, "What was that?" but I felt like he was really saying, "What? I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am...."

Except there isn't any awesome to be seen. 

Basically, the entire time was just /FACEPALM. Dude, give it a rest. No one cares.

Narcissism. It's a freaking BIG problem.

Super Blog Fail

(PS-- [at the top of the page. whatever] Tried to post this last night, seeing as it's about last night but blogger wanted to have a pity party and pout in a corner all by it's lonesome....so I left it. So here's my story about yesterday)

Screw Disney "College Program".
This is freaking BOOT CAMP. Boot camp that doesn't have the satisfaction of actually being called "boot camp". I'm tellin' ya, challenge me to an arm wrestle in January and YOU WILL BE PWNED. Epically. But of course you won't because that would be terribly humiliating for you. It's ok. I understand.
But seriously. Muscles--burning. I just need to start doing situps with the racks of glass cups over my head. Then I'll be set for life.

Anyway. Speaking of life, it keeps getting progressively weirder the longer I stay in this screwed-up state (Sorry, JT. Don't mean to be dissin' but....seriously. It's funky here). Let's run through my day, shall we?

I WENT TO CHURCH!! [insert happy face]
I DIDN'T PLAY THE PIANO!! [insert depression of the utmost degree] Turns out the ward I plan on attending (because I am not, NOT people, not going to be hangin' out with all the cali singles) is held at the stake center which is really difficult for stupid people to find. Stoopid such as myself. So I ended up riding my bike for at least a mile more than I meant to. In my dress. Cuz I'm stoopid.
Basically, something about my super charming and awesome personality threw Google maps WAY off and it totally led me astray.
Curse you, google maaaaps!! /shakes-fist
I went south when I shoulda gone north.....about half a mile. The road I was thinking the church was on just kinda....ended. I got off my bike, starting to get all sweaty and tired and stared at the big building that blocked my way.
Turned around and there was--Oscar.
Who is Oscar, might you ask? Well, I shall tell you imaginary-inquisitive-person. Oscar is the extremely friendly, consequently creepy mexican fellow biker that I met this morning. Here's how that experience went:
[turns around] Oh! A person! goodness, didn't even know he was there.....
Stranger-with-thick-accent: Hai! You ride bicycle?
Me: Uh, yeah, haha.....
WHY does this keep happening to me?!
Stranger: What s'your name?
Crapcrapcrapcrap....uhhhh /uncomfortable-with-situation
Me: Um, Hope....
[Look from stranger like he just swallowed a bug and didn't understand how it got inside his mouth...]
Me: Er, Esperanza?
[Lightbulb for stranger]
Stranger: Ahh! Esperanza! Me llamo es Oscar
Oh no. Don't start spouting spanish. Please oh please...
Oscar: You ride bicycle?
Me: Yeah, I'm trying to find church.
(Apparently language barriers makes my english take a steep plummet into terrible)
Oscar: Oh? Wheech wh-one?
Me: Um, LDS?
(I also only speak in questions)
[Oscar swallows another bug]
Me: ...Mormon...
[choking on bug]
Oscar: You Chreestian?
Me: Yeah.
Oscar: Ahh, I catholic.
(Except he says it so fast it sounds like cathleek)

At this point I'm done caring about Oscar and his religious beliefs and he's kinda creepin' me out and I'm wondering if he's ever gonna leave.
So I pull out my phone and call boyfriend.
Oscar kept on talkin' and I just went on walkin'. He ended up disappearing at some point. I was too busy listening to exact directions of how I went so awfully wrong from boyfriend, who is much better at google maps and all things techy than I am (I'm a music major, he's a data technician for godaddy. Am I really to blame?).
EVENTUALLY, I found the church building (and the walmart directly across the street...). Went inside and found myself surrounded by tongans and old couples.
This ward is gonna be awesome!! I'm actually really excited. It was fast sunday so I got a good taste of what the people are like. All the people who introduced themselves to me automatically knew I was a disney intern, which I found funny.
Went back home, took a quick nap then headed to work from 6:30-1:30am
First of all, I had one bus stop buddy. A homeless hoarder man who constantly drooled into his lap and stared at me over the top of his sunglasses....
[insert anxious bouncy leg and quick furtive glances down the road, praying for the bus to appear]
Once the bus finally did appear, I had to laugh. Out loud. On the screen that displays the route number and cross streets headed to, it also would flash "I'm here for you".
Um....
What the heck kinda message is that?! Either it's super cheesy and tacky, or incredibly creepy and morbid! But, I laughed. Cuz it was funny.
Further down the road, we passed a hotel and the nice perfectly manicured lawns/shrubbery that accompany nice places such as these.....
Lying on the grass, was a man, totally zonked out, sleeping with his head propped up on his backpack. That made me giggle too, and then I noticed the sprinklers that were wetting down the other patch of grass and wished that I could just camp out at the curb and watch for when the system switched over to where Mr. Snooze-pants lay. I wished quite badly.
AT work, I may have mentioned that I'm one of very few girls assigned to Main Kitchen. I'm constantly working with guys my age, and older men. Which is fine by me, doesn't make a difference whatsoever in how I work, but them? I can't tell if they're trying to be chivalrous or just simply show off.
I was scrubbing down some pans handed to me by Uri (oo-ree), tossing them into the rinse tub when Adam got back from his break (Adam is the short-built-attractive kid who drove me home).
He immediately asks, "Need to switch out or anything, Hope?"
I snorted and simply said, "I'm fine."
Really? Really? I'm scrubbing pans. It's not like I'm hauling away, pick-axing at a mine shaft in a stuffy cave with poisonous air filling my lungs. I half wanted to retort, "Look, we're in a kitchen. That's my terrain anyway, isn't it??"
But he was just being nice. I just hate feeling like I gotta prove I can keep up with the "big, strong men" with my lowly "wimpy" woman arms. Dumb.
Then there was this funny moment where all three of us were in the groove of pot room; Adam would spray down the dishware, Uri would scrub and I'd rinse/sanitize/stack and put away. Uri really got into the swing of things and was a washing machine. But at one point he handed off this pan with a little present inside; the rough, green scrubber. He swung back to the next dirty pan like a robot and his hand automatically went to where his brain said the scrubber should be but I watched as there was that moment of complete confusion when it wasn't there. I tossed it back over and he looked up in surprise and laughed.
Nice, friendly kid.
We'll see if I actually connect with anybody while I'm out here. As of yet, I don't really care much.
Anyway. Um, now I'm home and blogging and it's after 3 am. My neck hurts, my feet are cold and my eyelids are sagging. Hopefully the next two days go quickly so I can go see World of Color on wednesday and thursday! Woohoo!!

Life is good :) <3

Creepers Galore

First of all, you smell worse than me and I been stuffed away, down deep in the giant stinky belly of the happiest place on earth. When they say 'happy' they ain't referring to the kitchen, lemme tell ya. You, sir, smell quite like a dead cat that tromped through pickles and a pool of sweat before rotting for a while.

Secondly, you are guaranteed at least ten years older than me.

Thirdly, there is obviously something not all there in your brain which is how we got in this conversation in the first place....

And fourth? We're at a bus stop. The bus stop.

And so, due to all of the above-- NO you can't have my number. No matter how many times you ask, sorry.

True story. Got to the bus this evening, around 2330 (aka 11:30) to find out the very next bus comes at 0012 (aka 12:12). Oh goody. Well, let's just sit on down and talk to these other college program kids who are just as tired and grumpy....

Oh, this poor guy. Stuck in a wheelchair and lookin' so dirty...sad...oh, wait....he's coming over....don't make eye contact! Don't do it!

guuh. You did.

"Hi."

heeeere we go

I would in fact talk to him again, if the situation were to reciprocate itself. The guy obviously doesn't get a lot of people who are willing to talk to him. I'm sure he gets lonely and it's not like he was begging for money or anything. Just wheelin' around, mumbling to himself and occasionally saying 'hi'. So I figured I'd give him a smile and some small-talk....

Me: Hey!

Dude: You from Disneyland?

[Note-- due to what I'm guessing is a past head injury, hinted by the helmet covering his head, his speech is kinda slurred and I was never really sure what he was saying...]

Me: Uh, Disney...? Yeah, I work there....

Dude: Oh...[blabbers on asking about where I am in the park, whose dishes I wash and if I know his cousin Bob]

Dude: Are you married?

Me: [laughs] No, no I'm not...

Dude: You have boyfriend?

Me: Yes...(thank my freaking lucky stars, YES!)

Dude: That's sad.

o.O

Me: Sad? Why?

[unintelligible muttering]

Dude: Can I have your phone? To...to talk sometimes?

Me: Um, I'm sorry?

[I was honestly too shocked to answer correctly]

Dude: Can I call you every once in awhile? To talk? I don't talk to females very often....

[maybe we should broaden that to "humans"]

Me: uhh, no. I'm sorry, no I can't do that....

[I will not lie to you, my first urge was to say yes. The poor guy!]

Dude: Why not??

(/sigh, why do I get myself in these situations....)

Me: Well, because...because I don't know you!

Dude:....we can't get to know each other on the phone? In a couple weeks?

He did not stop. One CP girl actually got up and left because she was so uncomfortable. Um, excuse me?? You're uncomfortable? He hasn't even glanced at you! He's all but sat in my lap at this point! And there's still 15 minutes till the bus is supposed to show up.

Boooo and a half.

He eventually got the point and kinda drifted away back behind the bench and carried on a very active conversation with his right hand.

The bus came and I am now blogging to you so life is good :)

It could've been worse.

I mean it. The other girls who actually stayed with me at the bus stop told me about a girl they heard about, who rode the bus home around 1 am by herself and when she got off a man followed her out as well.

Hey, people live around here, no big deal.

But he followed her...and followed her. There comes a point when there ain't no way the creeper is just walkin' that way for their health.

She started runnin'.

He kept following.

She ended up basically closing the building doors in his face because he was that hardcore stalker.

I would be sobbing, not even gunna lie to you. I would cry.

I'm so glad for 911 and boyfriend on speed-dial. And for prayers. Those are very nice for feeling better.

The Hunt for Hope is going well, btw :) update on that later. For now, sleep sounds like a good idea....yeah. Sounds good.

Why You Must Like Me So??

There's a new purpose to this blog now, and I apologize for the immense sappy-ness of it. But here's the basic schedule rundown betwixt boyfriend and me:

Hope--works whenever Walmart declares it (so basically, sold my soul for $7.50/hr)

Boyfriend--...pretty consistently now at 9 PM to 6 AM...which means he sleeps till about 3 in the afternoon which also happens to be either in the middle or very near the beginning of my shifts.

Oh boo.

The only one that works out semi-nicely is when I work 7 am-3 pm and then there's about 5-6 hours we can hang out (oh, plus he doesn't work Mondays and Tuesdays....thank the Lord) but at the same time I didn't even get up at 7 to go to school so by 3 I'm the one that's exhausted but he just woke up and it's a big mess of not even being in the same time zone really. It might as well be that. I'm dating someone who lives on Germany time or something (to those of you in Germany, hi! I'm probably getting that all wrong and I apologize for that too. Just go with it).

So it's weird.

And it means I don't get to talk to him much.

Which means I'm gonna be on here a lot more often!! yay! Be excited with me...

Or don't.

You choose.

In other words, I'm bored and really want to talk to someone but I have nothing to talk about so I'll just ramble on here instead for your pleasure and enjoyment (or just a boredom-fix. That's cool too).

I mentioned the Walmart Nerds in my last post so now I'll talk about them a little bit. Firstly, I'd like to start off by saying they're all wonderful, great guys and I'm glad for the friendship but there are just a couple things they've done that are a little on the "/facepalm. That was awkward" side and I believe they are worth noting on here :)

#1: Quiet Cashier Guy- This dude is really sweet. Smiles all the time and always has a peaceful, content demeanor. He also will not allow me to pass by without saying 'hi' and asking how I'm doing. Which would be fine if it wasn't such a demanding scenario. I feel like if I don't acknowledge him I just might get a sneak attack football tackle so that I have to talk to him. I'm really not exaggerating.

#2: Baseball Cap Dude- Lissen, fellah. When I'm on break, I have 15 minutes to recooperate so I can stand around and deal with people for another couple hours. I want to close my eyes and meditate. Not listen to you explain which superhero movie is a complete flop and why.

#3: [Stock]er- (ps that was a clever pun for "stalker"...just fyi) When you always seem to appear wherever I am when I'm working, ask me what my weekly schedule is in great detail and also reveal the fact that you tried to "catch" me at lunch break but was apparently too late I begin to back away slowly and hope I can make a break for it. Seriously dude, calm down. Also? You come around to gather the garbage. I really don't think that's the appropriate time to begin a life-story conversation. Just sayin'.

#4: Too Desperate for Words- Alright. Um, I watched your bike for you. That doesn't mean we can date.

He came into the store to go to the backroom for something he forgot (I'm not even really sure what position he is, but apparently we've spoken before..../awkward). He locked up his bike and leaned it against the wall behind where I stand for greeting. When he got back he couldn't find his keys and almost got really panicky which made me a little scared. He started to walk away to go find them and I caught a glimpse of them swinging on his belt loop (to tell, or not to tell?). I stopped him and pointed them out asking, "Are those the keys?" He stops and looks down and kind of freezes then looks at me and shoots off into declaring how awkward and stupid that was of him and I'm trying to console him cuz it wasn't that big of a deal. He unlocks his bike, pulls it around and is just about to leave but turns around again and the following conversation took place...

TDW: Can I ask you a question?

Me: [guh, no you can't] Yeah, sure!

TDW: Well, I think I already know the answer....

Me: [Don't do it kid, don't do it] -weak laughter-

TDW: Are you single?

Me: [oh boyfriend, I could kiss you!] No, I'm not. -apologetic look-

He then proceeded to lament about how everyone else in this big wide open world is in a relationship but him and how he'll neeeeeever get a girl and all of a sudden I'm in charge of stroking this random mostly-stranger's ego out of the puddled slump it's in.

Confidence, my man. It's a beautiful thing.

Just because it's funny, not even 2 minutes after that most interesting exchange a customer was walking out. I'd greeted him when he came in earlier and he's a decently attractive fellow, around my age. Very punk-rockerish without the gothic emo side where you hope they won't whip out a gun and shoot every living thing in sight. I give the usual robotic reply in the best happy voice I can muster,

"Thank you! Have a good night!"

He glances over his shoulder to return the sentiment but sees me and stops. Turns around. Looks befuddled and says, "Are you always a door greeter?" I figured he was a regular or something and didn't recognize me so I replied, "Yes, that's my position. But I am new here so..." he shakes his head and cuts in, "No, I mean the greeters are always old. You're not old. You're cute."

And then leaves.

Really?? Seriously right now?! I cannot account for the sudden stream of attention because I can promise you, it was not one of my best days on the actually-getting-ready-for-the-day scale.

But anyway. It would be nice if I could make guyfriends and skip the part where they think I'm their soulmate.

Really. T'would be just loverly.

I appreciate the attention.....but I have nothing to do with it.

So meh.

:P