Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Lady Post

I'm going to do everything I can to remain classy through this...delicate topic.

Yeah so, the pill and I do not get along. I've a terrible memory and I'm not dedicated enough to even care most of the time. Which is not exactly beneficial when you aren't in a position to have any children at the moment. Not to mention it turned my dear Aunt Flo's visit into a dried up reunion of dead roadkill. Or so it felt. And thusly, my poor husband found himself accompanying me to the ob-gyn's office yesterday afternoon for a check up and attempt at finding another route for birth control.
What was not so great about this visit was the nurse I went to last time, Bonnie, was no longer working at this particular office and the lady who replaced her was...less than pleasant. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming her entire day consisted of swarms of gnats occupying her head space, lemon juice in her coffee as well as a severe lack of kindness to account for her behavior and awful bedside manner.
My first ever trip to the ob-gyn, back at the beginning of the year before I got married, went a little like this;
"Hey. I'm getting married and don't wanna have babies for awhile."
"Oh, ok! Have you had sex before?"
"Uh, no. I'm a virgin."
"Ok, well we'll just start you on the pill and then after your body's used to all of that we'll have you come back in and try something else, alright?"
"Ok. Sounds splendid."

This visit was more of;
"I see on your charts you didn't have any procedures last time you came in. Why is that?"
"Uhh, she told me it wasn't necessary and I could come in later...."
"Would you like to schedule that for another day?"
Let me just interject and say, what would be the point of me coming in that day if I wasn't to progress anywhere and get anything done??
"I, uh, um...if it could be done today..."
"Yeah today's fine. She probably just didn't know to do it then."
I think Bonnie knows what she's doing, no need to go blaming anybody...
So she pulls out these weird pieces of loud, folded paper and quickly rattles off,
Goes to leave...
"Wait! Uh, say that again? Sorry...[nervous giggle]."
"[sigh] Put-this-on-like-a-shirt-and-leave-the-front-open-then-cover-up-with-this...and take everything off..."
Leaves for good this time.

So I'm left with this awkward puzzle piece shape of pink crepe paper and a rectangle of white paper and the expectation to just drop trow (and everything else) and figure out what goes where. I do believe Mark was muchly amused by my consternation and confusion. It took me a solid 2 minutes to unfold the pink vest thing, I was so afraid of ripping the thin paper and ruining my only form of covering up. I didn't think I would be allowed to go fishing (naked) through the drawers and find myself a new one.
But I finally figured it out and sat myself back up on the table-gurney thing.

(You can kind of barely see my festive, Memorial Day toesies)

And sat. And sat. And sat some more. My bum got cold from the drafty air but the rest of me was burning with unwelcome embarrassment and anxiety. When she finally came back she was abrupt in her instructions and impatient with my faulty obedience. She asked me to scoot up maybe 3 times and it's not like I could see or really understand how far was good or when I was going to drop bare-bum to the cold tile off the chair. She grabbed my feet and planted them firmly in the stirrup thingies and I about farted in her face from terror.
This was the first time I'd ever been naked, as an adult, in front of anybody other than my husband. And that's only been a couple months in the making. No doctor has ever gone poking around in there. And this lady had a beeping flashlight for heaven's sake! I was freaking out a bit. Almost wanted to ask Mark to come hold my hand. But I feared the lady would snort derisively and laugh at me. But thankfully her rudeness didn't extend to leaving out verbal communication in what she was about to do and where she was gonna touch. So I had a bit of warning.
And then there was the boob squishing. I thought going to the optometrist and having the huge black mega-goggle eye magnifier things over your face while the doctor is uncomfortably close asking you impossible questions like, "Is #1 or #3 better? #3 or #4? What about #purple?" was awkward. Laying there, with arms behind your head, like your all chill while some stranger prods and pushes and squeezes at your already-objects-of-severe-insecurity with a frowny grump face on the entire time is much worse. I tell you what.
"Do you regularly check yourself for lumps?" She demands.
"Well, um no."
"You should. About every month or so."
"Well I just, I mainly don't because I don't know what I'm looking, feeling for, I guess..."
And she just grunts.

She basically refused to even let me consider using the IUD/IUC's and seemed to be really pushing other pills despite my protests. But I ended up getting the Depo shot and it seems the perfect option for us. I don't have to remember to take a pill every day. My periods will very likely disappear altogether, we'll only really have need to use 6 or so of the shots and it would save us about $60 versus staying on the pill, let alone what it would cost for me to get a surgery, small as it is, without insurance. So I'm very happy with the choice. Even though it is a needle to the bum every 3 months.
All in all, turns out the tv show "Private Practice" has greatly romanticized ob-gyn behavior and I would very much like for Addison Forbes Montgomery to be my doctor. She would be much nicer about it and wouldn't treat me like a burden-to-be-dealt-with.
Then again, I would hate to inspect people's vaginas and order people to get naked all day every day. So.

Also! Whilst we're still on the subject, a word from good ole Walt Disney on womanly-matters....

Cheers to womanhood!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Here I Am....Again

There are good ideas, and then there are bad ideas...
I can clue you in on one of those ideas that are more on the badder side.

Go ahead and decide "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna start exercising and I'm gonna do it now!"
So you search Netflix and turns out, they have a six 10-minute series of Kickboxing Boot Camp videos.
Commence exercise.
Realize 16-18 minutes later that you fail and are so hardcore out of shape it's sad.
Flop on the floor and breath like a rhino in labor.

Flash forward 10 minutes...

Go outside to see how the hunny is doing working on his mystery-broken-down vehicle.
Annnnd this is about the time when he tells you, "Oh, I could use your help. I need you to hold down the brake....hard."

And there ya have it. Work out your sorry legs until they're nothing more than pillars of wibbley-wobbley jello and then offer your services as the brake-presser.
It'll go real well, I assure you.

It really wasn't that bad. I used both feet to keep it pressed down and my hands anchored against my knee fat and grit my teeth through the shakies. It worked out ok. Although, whatever Mark was working on turned into a dead end. was worthless? No. Now we/he know what isn't wrong. Which is quite worthwhile when you're working with car engines.

It feels good to be exercising though. Feels good for now. And next week, once Mark starts his new 9-5pm schedule it'll finally be possible for us to exercise together. At the best possible time, too. In my mind I say we get up at 7, work out for half an hour, he gets in the shower and leaves for work around 8 and then I'm free to do whatever it is I ever do around here the rest of the day. Perfect! We'll see if he agrees with me.

Simply Simple

Just took a quick glance through  my previous posts and whoopsie! Turns out I haven't shown much of anything regarding our wedding photos and the reception. Hah! And I, for one, think they're pretty great ;)

We took these pictures a couple weeks before the wedding.
There wouldn't be a good time with good lighting 
after the ceremony.

The lighting that day, was perfect.

Everything with him is perfect.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I do believe in fairies! I do!

I guess it's high time for another round of honeymoon stories :) Considering I've only done one post on it. I was totally convinced I'd talked about it previously, considering I think about it all the time and of course I always blog what I think about right when I think about it.........
So I guess last time we went through favorite moments.
Now...I dunno. I'll just upload pics and talk. Good plan.

We went to the Aquarium!!
I'd been there before, considering
my sister used to live seriously maybe 10
minutes away from the site.
But Mark hadn't! :D

Nom nom suction cuppy thingies
(ooh, ooh! New joke I only just heard yesterday;
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
eh? eh?
Because she couldn't fit into
D-shells! xD)
(I laughed an absurd amount in the middle
of the breakfast aisle at baby walmart.
Sad, I know)

Hawlo, there! 
I know it's not really as cool as I think it is,
but I just love that between the camera and his face,
there's actually a huge tank of water
and all sorts of bizarre
aquatic biology.
So amazing!

As a matter of fact,
I did know my husband is 
SUPER attractive.

As well as I knew that
I am a dork.

I love the otters so much,
I'm including them again.

Baby otter noming!
Oh, I would just die if I could ever touch one.
Or at least sob in complete ecstasy.

Sorta like this...

Ellen has got to be one of THE most entertaining show hosts...of all time. Seriously. I hardly ever come across a video from her show and get bored. 

Let's take just a minute and reflect on how absolutely beautiful and perfect our honeymoon location was, shall we?

It seriously felt like a fairytale world.
Perhaps aided by our similar
desert rat upbringing.
Rain sticking around for weeks on end?
Rain lasting all day long?
Smells and green and a bright sun
you don't feel piercing right through your skin?
Plus those magical, overgrown steps.

I'd say we had a jolly good time :)

Monday, May 21, 2012


Sitting on the bathroom floor, browsing the interwebz, chatting with the hubby as he sits in the bathtub with the shower on.
Steam is nice...for some people.
It actually makes me feel nauseous and claustrophobic and I can't shower without the door open.

In fact, here's a tidbit of exactly what Mark just randomly, out of complete silence said to me;
"Sometimes I wish I could just open a shop..."
look over in consternation
"Of some kind. I don't know why."
"I think it would be cool to open a pawn shop. But then it's a pawn shop and you have to be all shady and stuff."

I don't think Mark knows I include direct quotes from him right into my posts. Naturally, the moment he said shop I didn't think of a sword place, or something to do with machines or vehicles or manly-manliness. I pictured him surrounded by mountains of cupcakes.
It's a tad absurd, I tell you what.

I'm just a fan of chillin' with my best friend and the fact that I don't have to feel guilty or begin panicking soon about how I should be driving home to meet curfew in a few minutes. I like grocery shopping with my hunny and catching him sneak strawberry syrup into the cart, and sliding down the aisles. I love Love. And I don't actually hate people. In case you were feeling a little put out from my last post.

Thank you, and goodnight.

I HATE PEOPLE...mostly

Voice:"Hawlo, am I speeking to 'foh-eight-seero seex-two-seero seero-nine-seex.....uh, nine'?"
me: "Yes."
Voice: "garble-marble-mumble-jambalaya-ruttabaga, how are yoo tooday?"
me: "Fine."
Voice: "...whell, goot."
Voice: "blah-blah-merghetty-something-maybe-I'm-speaking-english-maybe-I'm-not-..."
me: "I'm sorry, I can't understand you. I don't know what you're saying."
Voice: "Mees Andersen, yoo are ell-ee-gible for marble-garble-mucky-whobawhatty tooday for..."
me: "I don't want it."
Voice: "Eet's just a $25 dining gift card for..."
me: "I don't want it."
Voice: "Mees Andersen, eet ees just a thank yoo gift from..."
me: "NO. I don't want it. Thank you anyway.
Voice: "...Any parti-q-lar reazon why?"
me: "Don't want it. Don't need it. I'm just fine. Thank you.
Voice: "Oh-kay, Mees Andersen. Yoo have goot day now."
me: "Yeah, bye."

That was my most recent conversation with Raj from BBT except not really because it's actually just some low-life solicitor abusing my phone number.
Look, I'm sorry your life sucks enough that you have to sit in a call center and get rejected by every human you ever speak with but HOLY COW I HAVE NO SYMPATHY.
I don't understand why in spanish class, or french, or german or whatever they make a big deal about learning the right accent and how to stress the proper syllables and all that junk. That's why we have "oral" tests, to make sure we're saying the words right. HOW COME nobody is expected to do that in english? Every oriental, middle-eastern, hispanic immigrant sounds just as unintelligible as when they first started speaking the language. And WHY the BLOODY DICKINS are they the ones that make the phone calls?
Yeah, $100 of free Walmart groceries sounds nice but I don't wanna repeat the same info 7 times over the course of 40 minutes without understanding a word you say. Nor do I want to continue to get calls from you every 3 hours after that about the next deal you're forced to shove down my throat.
"Any particular reason why?"
I don't want you taking my debit card number and using it to promote some bizarre anti-wrinkle cream complex serum mumbo-jumbo. I don't want to be a member of "DubLi fun shopping". I don't want it.
So back off and let me delete your existence from my life.

I apologize. I'm so pissed off. Whatever organization this is has completely ruined the past 4 days of my life. I'm now having to drive in to a Wells Fargo location and order a new debit card. Which, /sigh, is fine I guess considering I need a new one anyway. My current one can hardly swipe anymore without needing a plastic bag wrapped around it. Who first thought of that anyway?
I ALSO, am going to have to change phones because you guys suck. Awesome. We'll see if my email is compromised, too.

You know what would be super cool? If I actually knew how to use the internet.
I'm gonna go before I break something, possibly myself.

Friday, May 11, 2012

My lips are chapped...

I hate going to bed at 8.
There. I said it.

I'm sorry but getting up at bloody 4 in the morning and doing stuff before the sun is awake when I could just snuggle up in bed and vacuum the silly carpet at 8 instead, is just not something I can easily motivate myself to do. It's a darn good thing Mark's starting a new position at goDaddy at the end of the month that'll be on a more "regular" schedule cuz this is getting obnoxious. He tried many times to convince me to just adjust to the sleep cycle he was on but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I love sleep too much. Does that make me a terrible person? Choosing sleep over adjusting with my husband?
Maybe it would if he didn't change schedules every couple months or so.
And I don't adjust well!
I hate change!

I'm sitting here (in a wheelchair) (though there's no legitimate need for the wheelchair, we're just short on normal chairs) resting chin in palm and trying to dredge up an interesting story...
I fail at cooking fancy dinners. But mac'n'cheese and ramen are good to go! What a wonderful housewife I'm turning out to be. We discovered this yesterday when I attempted to make a pretty simple recipe if you ask me. I was none too pleased. Threw away most of it.
But I did make some yummy snackage for the Arbonne party I hosted just this evening. That went well. Of course, my mom and sister were the bulk of attendance but what the hey.
My face feels super smooth and moisturized. Mmmmm, sooooft. Mark doesn't have the capacity to appreciate it. Sadness.
Ah! Joy is restored, I remembered something halfway entertaining. I got up a little over an hour ago because I was lying there in bed tossing and turning, wide awake. I knew the more I moved the less Mark would sleep and that was only confirmed by his eerie moaning and sigh-singing and random mumbling in tongues. He never talks in his sleep. Not extended sentences and seemingly coherent attempts to communicate. I swear he lifted his head off his pillow, tilted his face towards me and said,
"Hmmarg ler drendelen smoof?"

I thought maybe he was actually awake and I just misheard him and I debated trying to ask, "What??" but then I figured I'd let him repeat himself and try harder to ask whatever it was he needed if he was really awake. But he remained silent. So I smiled and giggled inwardly and lay there for a time.
And then he startled me by flipping over and talking out loud some more. I paid close attention this time and it was definitely not English coming out of his mouth.
("It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it!!")
And then he reaches out and pulls me close with his left arm and cradles my forehead with his right hand, awkwardly angled up over my shoulder. It was everything I could do to not shake the bed with silent laughter. In all honesty his warm, heavy arm was comforting wrapped around my torso and I tried once again to sleep but then I started getting those restless itches everywhere and I had to get up. After a moment or two of assessment I determined there was no way of untangling my body without semi-waking the poor fellow so I moved to make it as quick a separation as possible.
But he grabbed on tighter.
I hesitated a moment but pulled away and slipped out and he rolled over, sighing. I hope he's deep in sleep now.

But anyway, I'm a little groggy now so maybe I'll have better luck (I'm also spelling things in quite the bizarre fashion and capitalizing completely random things. Like the previous 'maybe'. I tried to capitalize that.). In any case, back to warm comfy bed with my best friend forever :)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Relative Productivity

I literally (not using the word in its incorrect, slang-ified form, but seriously), literally just sat up off the couch after almost an hour and a half of stalking Jennifer Lawrence interview youtube videos and other Hunger Games business and said to myself [aloud] [cuz I'm all alone and crazy],
"Hmmm...I should do something productive...."

Then I looked up at the dark ceiling, brushed the hair out of my face and pulled the computer back onto my lap and opened up Blogger.

I wouldn't lie to you guys. My life is super intriguing. In the way like aliens must be baffled by how I'm actually alive and living the way I do. I have a 3-bedroom apartment? I'm married? I have (er, had?) a job that pays BUTTLOADS for me to do what I'm passionate about and um, enjoy doing? And wait, you spend free time feeling your jaw go numb staring at a computer screen but you don't move because....
Isn't that the biggest question? "WHY?"
Summer as a married adult. It's hittin' me at odd angles. But the angles are so much fun!!
Mark and I went on an adventure the last couple days. Mondays and Tuesdays are his days off work so a couple weeks ago I planned a little getaway to the -ahem- "wilderness". Meaning we took the backseat out of our GMC Jimmy and roughed it in Bulldog Canyon. For the first time in my life, we actually remembered to bring all of the essential things that were needed to complete this trip in an enjoyable fashion. Sure it woulda been nice to have camp chairs but where's the fun in that? I tell ya, it's much more fulfilling to trek up the steep side of a prickly mountain/cliff face and find a semi-large rocky boulder thing and fling it back down the hill, hoping and praying it doesn't crack in two and you have to find another chunk of earth to sit on to cook your food. And yeah, I guess "strike anywhere" matches that could actually strike would be beneficial to starting a fire. But then you wouldn't get to watch your husband try to use the truck's cigarette lighter thingy that's so old it doesn't heat up so he tries to rig a wire to get it burning but then he just blows a fuse that um, doesn't exist aka is-not-findable so now the car lights don't work. Nor would he have the opportunity to take the shovel we brought and bang it against all the rocks surrounding the firepit to try and procure enough sparks to ignite the lighter fluid he doused all the phonebook pages with. And finally! We wouldn't have had our eerie night-time drive back up out of the canyon and drive half an hour to borrow real matches and a flicky lighter from people that just happen to live out on bush highway. Which was quite invigorating, I must say.
There was absolutely NO ONE else in the canyon. It was spooky. And we also got lost trying to find where we'd set up camp when we got back. Of course we'd picked some hidden, shoved up in a forgotten well-gladed corner that is unseeable from the dirt/sand road. Why wouldn't you? I mean come on.
All kidding aside, it was the most fun I've had...this month. That's how awesome my life is. We made hot dogs and managed to heat up a can of Great Value chili in the coals without causing it to emulate every science fair volcano ever constructed. Best weiners I ever tasted, lemme just say (my good friend Allie should be snickering right about now).
And the s'mores!! Oh, they were absolutely fabulous. We bought these honey crackers that were already packaged in squares instead of rectangles so you didn't have to end up with a broken fragment of cookie that served no purpose other than leaking sticky gooey marshmallow mess everywhere. And we got the gigantic "campfire" marshmallows and HOLY MOTHER OF YUM they were amazing. Mine was gorgeous and I roasted 2 layers off the mallow before using it in the s'more.
Also I'm pretty sure we created a new family tradition (not that the tradition is necessarily "new" but it's new to OUR family) of taking good ole Jones soda on camping trips. I love being a family :) Family is the best.

Oh! and we obliterated an armchair by tossing it into the pit. Mark videoed it with his phone but I don't have access to that right now so I can't show it to you guys yet. Poo-poo.

That next morning, after we woke up at SIX IN THE BEEPING MORNING because apparently summer is the better season for the sun to be so bright so early (mumblegrumble) we just uh, -coughcough- hung out in the truck for a couple hours, ate breakfast then headed out to Saguaro Lake Ranch where we rented a couple kayaks and had a total BLAST on the river all morning. It was soo beautiful and relaxing and we had loads of fun together. We technically "launched" with a huge group but we didn't have to stay with them. So we didn't. We saw jumping fish, and swimming fish (fish in a river? WHAT?) and wild horses twice! And a heron/stork/crane I don't know which species it is exactly. Last time I went kayaking I saw the bird only once so I thought it was special. This time? 7 different sightings and not just one bird at a time. On either side of the river just chillin', or catchin fish, or leaping out of trees and startling my pants off. Which is legitimate because I wasn't wearing pants. I was wearing a swimsuit. Whatever.
We also saw these really pretty small birds that were all black except for these breathtakingly vibrant red splotches on their wings. OH! and a turtle! There was a turtle the size of Mark's face (he has a large face, mind you) snoozing on a log. No river otters though. /cry
And only a teensy bit of sunburning on both our parts! It was an extremely successful trip and gave Mark the break he needed just in time to deal with this week. He has two of his finals, one tonight and another Thursday. And tomorrow he goes in for work but he got a call today and from 8-9 he finally got another interview for a higher position with GoDaddy! It's this special program they do for employees that want to continue called the "Junior Development" and basically it's on-the-job training for 9 months but you get the inbetween salary of what you're currently paid and what the next salary would be. At the end of the 9 months if you've done well enough (I suppose, I'm not sure exactly how it works) they keep you on and you are promoted to the other job. We're so very excited and I'm confident he'll get it but prayers and well wishes would be much appreciated :)

I'm so very proud of my dear partner and the life we're making for ourselves. I couldn't be happier and I'm grateful to him for being the one to refine me and not letting me get away with being any less than I could be.

And in case anyone still has leftover curiousities and/or confusions from previous posts and people's comments, NO. We are not pregnant. No babies. For now, at least.