There are a lot of "good intentions" on the internet these days.
People vomiting their opinions into forums and blogs and articles and comments.
The majority of the time I would say there are genuine good intentions backing most of what people are trying to say. Accompanied with a healthy dose of vanity and narcissism, of course. I mean, who of us doesn't get overly attached to checking our notifications/pageviews when we post something? Of course we want to be validated for exposing a piece of our very souls. There's a lot of vulnerability in the internet.
At least I know I feel that way.
Are you ever reading through something, perhaps shared in your Facebook news feed, that you didn't necessarily jump at the chance to read but rather figured, "why not?"
Does that "why not?" chance ever take you by surprise and ignite a lightbulb in your mind?
I suppose that's what we all, as internet contributors, strive to achieve. That spark of realization in others through words of our own making.
I was just reading through buzzfeed's "Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating" (which is an ironic title in the fact that I haven't reached the 'why' yet and I'm over halfway through the article but all they've talked about so far is women's experiences with food...) and suddenly realized that maybe I had an eating disorder.
A small one, but an unhealthy attitude towards food all the same.
My mom is one of the greatest cooks I've ever known, she's the type that can take a random selection of junk from the fridge and/or pantry and turn it into something more-than-halfway decent, so good meals were never in shortage during my growing up years.
In fact, it was a problem. How good her food was (and is). I often would eat seconds, even thirds, of her delicious meals and lick the plate clean. I can't say I was ever even in danger of being obese, but I definitely was chunkalicious. Although at the time it felt like more. It's only now in my mid-twenties that I even realize how far from "disgusting" and "flabby" I really was.
But it doesn't matter now.
Then, with the cheerleaders in all their voluminous blonde, voluptuous curves and tiny waist glory, I was the freckled walrus shoving unironically-retro glasses up my too-large-for-my-face nose.
With my sporty friends (really, acquaintances, I was too shy for actual friend-making) pumping out their mile runs in P.E. at a seven minute average and me puffing around the school field, contemplating sneaking across the street to die in the neighbor's bushes, I felt worthless.
With the witty bullies, using harsh teases to elicit a response and me hardly being able to form the right words to order what I actually wanted for lunch in the cafeteria without being reduced to gasping for air and wishing to hide in the garbage bins, I felt totally alone.
And even more ironically, none of this is at all their fault.
It was all in my head.
But what does it matter now?
My head was the only place I knew.
If only I could wear the clothes they wear.
If only I could say the things they say.
They seem so happy, they know what's up, I should do what they do.
Sometime in middle school/junior high, I simply decided I wanted to get skinny. I was tired of feeling tubby and I wanted to be happy. The obvious choice was to control what I put into my mouth.
I simply started skipping breakfast.
For a while my mom would attempt to shove waffles and toast and pancakes into my hands before I ran off to catch the bus. She moved on to fruit eventually, bananas or apples, but I remained consistent.
I would not eat before going to school.
It felt good to be so determined. I felt like I was doing a good thing.
When I could feel the gnawing in my stomach, that was the sign that I made the right choice.
This was working.
I could "feel" it working.
This ideology seems horrific now.
Unsurprisingly, I was unable to circumvent my naturally biology and even at my skinniest (and still healthy weight range) I was never "model" material.
For a long time, even my parents praised me for maintaining such a "slim figure". I do not wish to criticize them for that fact, my parents are seriously wonderful people, I wasn't engaging in actually physically harming myself.
Only mentally.
Only psychologically.
It never went so far that I went for days feeling hungry. I thoroughly enjoyed lunch at school. I didn't survive on cheese cubes and celery. I never engaged in anything that would classify me as anorexic or bulimic.
But my sense of self-image was still severely warped.
I denied myself food when I needed it because I liked feeling hungry. Being hungry was my accomplishment.
"If I'm hungry and don't eat, I'm getting skinnier."
Not only is that scientifically false, it's also degrading and entirely the wrong focus a young girl/boy in school (or not in school!) should have.
The thing I felt best about, was my ability to skip breakfast.
My ability to keep myself hungry.
I guess what I'm saying is that disorders and negative thoughts are sneaky. Nobody would speak up for me because, in all honesty, everything I was doing looked fine. I ate good sized, regular meals (in the lunch and dinner category, at least) and just skipped seconds. I never dipped into the "underweight" range of my height and age. All the facts said I was okay. But my motivation and psychological well-being were the culprits.
And literally just mere weeks ago I thought longingly about the days when I could force myself to wait until I felt hungry, wait until that gnawing in my stomach began, and I (pun alert) hungered for that feeling again. I wished I could be that way again.
Reading that buzzfeed article I had a lightbulb moment.
That isn't good.
That isn't healthy.
Do not misunderstand me, feeling hungry is not a bad thing. Reader's Digest has said that fasting for one day a month is good for our metabolism (LDS peeps, ahead of the curve, amiright?). I do believe that using your body's natural cycle of hunger is a good way to monitor weight and general health.
Using that feeling to view yourself as a better person, however, is cheap and entirely too shallow when considering the great capacity and potential we as humans contain.
Hunger should not be an emotional/psychological crutch.
As any regular reader may have surmised, I still struggle to find the healthy balance in my lifestyle. I love food and I genuinely enjoy eating, but my mood and general happiness reaches optimum levels when I'm eating healthily.
Weight is an incredibly personal battle. The range of body types and our own individual reception of our respective body types coincide in a way that makes it impossible to dictate a look that is "correct".
It's not only unfortunate that body-shaming exists, but also that shaming of inward body-shaming exists.
A skinny girl says, "ugh I'm so fat today," and her less-than-skinny friend stews in fury for such an insensitive comment.
I feel guilt blogging about my weight struggles because outwardly, I appear very average. My middle is a little rounder than is "pleasing" and my arms jiggle and my double chins make regular appearances. But I am by no means "FAT".
I am expected to be completely happy with my body because it is not in it's worst possible state.
The skinny girl posting her tasty summer treat on social media is automatically written off as attention seeking because she couldn't possibly be the type that enjoys sugar. Look at her hot-bod! (see the bizarre and distasteful instagram YouDidNotEatThat)
And on the other hand, the deliciously roly-poly girl snarfing on a hotdog most assuredly must be emotional-eating or drowning her obvious sorrows because who could possibly be okay with that body?
Ultimately, what their body shape needs to be depends entirely on the individual living in said body.
Loving that body also depends entirely on them.
Mothers rarely get the shape they want out of their bodies. Yet what is more beautiful than the vessel that literally created life?
There are so many factors in play. Hormones, genetics, circumstances, abilities, even hobbies.
I mean, I'm a pianist (and harpist), I'm a pathological bookworm, and I really love to nap. My hobbies do not include getting up at four in the morning to "pound the pavement" and work up a good sweat. I have to really strive to motivate myself to exercise, and that's always going to be my struggle.
We all have our inward battles, regardless of what our outside looks like, and we all have to fight them. Continuously. I just wish we all could be better at being supportive of each others' struggles.
This isn't a competition.
I shouldn't need to "one-up" your insecurities.
I can't even end this post with a peppy suggestion or sage piece of advice on how to feel good about your body because that would go against everything I've been trying to bring across.
I can't tell you how to feel about your body.
I can only tell you that you're beautiful. However you choose to be, you're beautiful.
You do you.
If you're proud of yourself for getting off the couch, ditching the bag of potato chips, and joining a gym, you instagram the crap out of that. Don't worry about "humble-bragging". Brag about yourself! Feel the accomplishment!
If you feel ugly and tubby when you're bloating, you moan to your girlfriend about it and console yourself with a candy bar. And when that candy bar crops up in your thighs you grab a handful of cellulite and tell yourself it's going to be okay. That chunk of calories doesn't determine your worth.
Your choices do.
Go on a juice cleanse, try out that fad diet, go running, watch Netflix all day long, spoon an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's into your gaping foodhole all by yourself (way to go champ) and do it proudly.
Do it because you chose to.
Don't rely on it to determine your worth.
You are worth much. And it doesn't matter your size.
I'm haven't said anything new here. There are plenty of people who've said the exact same things, and probably said them better. But maybe if enough of us keep saying it, someone who needs to may start believing it.
Showing posts with label Fitness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fitness. Show all posts
Friday, June 27, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Week of 6/10
Honestly I'm just here to complain.
It's been a another week of diligently refusing treats and goodies and eating small meals and avoiding stuffing my face with carbs and limiting calories and going on walks/bike rides/hikes and YOU GUYS.
I'm still at 170.8
But I am grateful that I'm not gaining. So.
Silver lining.
But really? Seriously?! Meanwhile husband over here just thinks about losing weight and SHABAM. Ten pounds gone. Mumble grumble BAH HUMBUG.
Holy first-world problems, tho. Sorry everybody. Just needed a second to pout in my little corner of the internet here. I started out the year weighing just barely over 174 and it's been months now with only four pounds to show for it? Getting healthy has never been this difficult for me so I'm having trouble adjusting to the struggle. The struggle is so very, very real.
What's a girl gotta do to get some real results up in here?!
Anyway. Complaining done.
Thanks for the listen! Sorry for the annoyance.
It's been a another week of diligently refusing treats and goodies and eating small meals and avoiding stuffing my face with carbs and limiting calories and going on walks/bike rides/hikes and YOU GUYS.
I'm still at 170.8
But I am grateful that I'm not gaining. So.
Silver lining.
But really? Seriously?! Meanwhile husband over here just thinks about losing weight and SHABAM. Ten pounds gone. Mumble grumble BAH HUMBUG.
Holy first-world problems, tho. Sorry everybody. Just needed a second to pout in my little corner of the internet here. I started out the year weighing just barely over 174 and it's been months now with only four pounds to show for it? Getting healthy has never been this difficult for me so I'm having trouble adjusting to the struggle. The struggle is so very, very real.
What's a girl gotta do to get some real results up in here?!
Anyway. Complaining done.
Thanks for the listen! Sorry for the annoyance.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Week of 5/27 (in which we angst a bit)
Thursday, May 29th; Day...meh.
--Are you bored yet? I'm bored with myself. This is the part of weight loss that becomes really difficult to turn into a lifestyle change. "Is this worth it? Do I really want this? What's wrong with a little pizza? I brought a good lunch to work but ugghhh Tacooo Beeellll."
But srsly. If they bring back the Beefy Crunch burrito anytime soon it's gunna be bad news, sister. I don't even like fritos but I will snarf the CRAP out of those things. It's like the worst mix of indulgence with the knowledge that every bite is careening me closer to a swift death.
--Been a bit lax in the exercise department this week. Tuesday I gave myself a break (even though it had just been Memorial Day, I mean come on self, buck up)
It was a good experience though because I noticed a difference in myself. Normally I would gorge on those Doritos until they were near gone and I hated myself but instead I had a few handfuls, rolled up the bag, and stuck it away. But that was also my dinner so...#adulthood
Mark had his dad come over to help diagnose the issue with our downstairs a/c unit that decided it wanted a vacation yesterday (Wednesday) so donning my sports bra and yoga pants and getting all sweaty wasn't high on my to-do in front of my father-in-law.
And those are my excuses! Shutup!
--TMI Warning!
BM's are so much better. Two days in a row is an effing big deal for me (which would be depressing if I wasn't so ecstatic). I would also feel worse about talking about this if most of my known readers weren't already parents (I know, I know, it's different when it's YOUR kids, but honestly aren't you a little blase about poop by now?). In the meantime I'm mostly just "backspace, or not to backspace?"
--Oh another food experience that boosted my confidence in myself. Somebody brought Bosa Donuts into the office this morning and so far in my 23 and 1/2 years of life my only experience with these infamous delicacies has been the crumbling, squashed leftovers that my sweet husband brought home months and months ago from a long day (actually I think it was two days) at his office. So obviously I'm not really counting those. But I had just eaten my breakfast stuff that I brought along with me so I was able to say, "I will wait until later to cave in" because I'm really good at determination. #sarcasm
When the time came that I was ready to cave (right after my half of a burrito for lunch) all that was left was one of those useless unglazed, unsprinkled, unpowdered, unjellied donuts.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN EXIST??
And I was able to walk away sans donut and eat my watermelon slice in the fridge instead because why waste those calories? I think normally my brain would have said, "I'm stressed out, we deserve that donut, yessss, eat it, ssshhhh, it will all be over sooooon..." and I would have complained on Instagram about the lack of milk in this office like a whiner.
Instead I'm feeling just fine and haven't overloaded on unnecessary carbs!
Seriously though if it had glaze or icing or custard or even jelly I probably would have had it. So I'm not as awesome as I sound. I basically turned down sweet choke-bread. Woo-hoo go me.
It felt like a big step though, okay?
Friday, May 30th; Day OMGIGIVEUP
--Today did not start off well. It was a bad number morning. And like, not even that bad but I was brushing my teeth and thinking, "hmm, I think I did really well maybe it will be good news!"
It wasn't.
Despite exercising and forgoing donuts and eating watermelon slices and single hardboiled eggs as meal supplements for dayyyzzz I'm back up 2 whole pounds from my last weigh in.
Which could very well be bloating.
But it is so incredibly discouraging. From the beginning of the year until now I've only fluctuated within 5 lbs from my original start weight. I even went beyond that weight which is why I really kicked myself into gear a few weeks ago and started this blog-logging. (redundant much?)
Basically I'm frustrated. I'm slumped in a mucky rut of frustration.
And I haven't gone grocery shopping so meal prep is no-fun-times.
Whining McWhinerson here!
And I think I want kids, HAH.
--Rationally, I'm aware that there are most likely extenuating factors contributing to this weight gain and that my mirror-induced-hopes are probably not in vain because hello muscle gain.
But I'm quickly losing my ability to be rational no matter my efforts. Thanks uterus.
--Back to whining, BASICALLY I feel like I've been stuck around 175 for sooo loooong eating whatever junk I wanted to and living pretty sedentarilly (not a real word #yolo) but I wasn't getting any worse. So shrug, it was okay! But now I'm fo realz trying really hard and I'm going nowhere fast. NOWHERE. I've been glaring at that blasted 7 for so effing long I feel like it's my conjoined twin and we share a heart so I can never be removed of it. Y'know, without becoming a "heartless" monster. (ba-dum-tss)
And I knooooow, 175 isn't a horrid weight. I should be grateful.
But that's the other half of this equation.
It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I can't vent about the things that are "giving me grief" in my own life because I'm worried about offending someone else or giving the impression that I'm ungrateful for my circumstances or don't realize how lucky I am.
Just sometimes...I feel fat.
Regardless of who I know or how educated I am on BMI or how many "weight vs. height" obesity graphs I've memorized, I just. feel. fat.
I feel gross and unattractive and like a large, disgusting, human balloon. Except the balloon is old and deflated and stretched out and smells like saliva. (I don't smell like saliva, just...the metaphor... #descriptivewritingishaaaaard)
But it's hard to face those feelings and work through them and come out the other side feeling confident and okay with where I'm at and okay with the steps I'm taking to fix myself when I can't admit to having those feelings in the first place for fear of social retribution.
And like, you guys are nice! I like you people! I don't know why I'm so afraid of you yelling at me because I think I'm fat...sometimes.
Not sometimes I'm afraid but I only really, legitimately sometimes rag on myself for being heavier than I think I should at this point in my life. Heavier than I want to be, mostly.
Sigh.
Oh, I guess we're done emotionally vomiting now all over this public space. Yeah? Cool.
Actually one last disclaimer: Words of encouragement are appreciated, if you feel so inclined, but I have my weight loss plan and I've been on it for almost a month now and I'm sticking through this rough patch so please don't bombard me with tips and tricks and ask me to join your body building/cross fit/oil wrapping group because I will feel really awkward about it and agonize over how to turn it down without hurting your feelings and probably end up sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it altogether and then both of us will be sad and I really don't want that.
Please still be my friend though.
Monday, June 2; days and things
--That weekend flew by.
--The struggle is so very real.
--I've already had a cup of hot cocoa and a krispy kreme donut today and I have a grand total of zero delusions that I will be able to resist a second one after an appropriate amount of time waiting for everyone else to get at the box. You snooze, you lose. #allisfairinloveanddonuts (love and donuts, they're the same thing, right?)
--Weight is the same. As ever.
--BUT! I measured myself again and so far I've lost a total of two inches in bust (/sob) and three in waist! Really excited about that. Hips just as wide as ever.
--It's supposed to be bleepin' hot today so a bike ride after work is definitely on the slate. Plus our tv room is a bit occupied so Taebo is less of an ideal idea.
This fort was the best idea. We watched a movie, and played cards, and did 20 Questions; Animal Style also-unlimited-questions-style-because-reasons. And stayed up till almost eleven. On a work night! /legasp
Even Odin joined in on the fun but it was too dark to get a good picture. It was rather a "Camel in the Tent" experience.
As an effect of staying up till eleven, the fort still remains currently standing because we're not nearly adult enough to clean up after ourselves in a timely manner.
What iz dis, real life?! Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
It'll come down today, tho. Probably. Maybe. Or perhaps I'll eat popcorn and watch series three of Sherlock on Netflix. Finally.
There's laundry to fold. That's enough adult for one day.
--Are you bored yet? I'm bored with myself. This is the part of weight loss that becomes really difficult to turn into a lifestyle change. "Is this worth it? Do I really want this? What's wrong with a little pizza? I brought a good lunch to work but ugghhh Tacooo Beeellll."
But srsly. If they bring back the Beefy Crunch burrito anytime soon it's gunna be bad news, sister. I don't even like fritos but I will snarf the CRAP out of those things. It's like the worst mix of indulgence with the knowledge that every bite is careening me closer to a swift death.
--Been a bit lax in the exercise department this week. Tuesday I gave myself a break (even though it had just been Memorial Day, I mean come on self, buck up)
It was a good experience though because I noticed a difference in myself. Normally I would gorge on those Doritos until they were near gone and I hated myself but instead I had a few handfuls, rolled up the bag, and stuck it away. But that was also my dinner so...#adulthood
Mark had his dad come over to help diagnose the issue with our downstairs a/c unit that decided it wanted a vacation yesterday (Wednesday) so donning my sports bra and yoga pants and getting all sweaty wasn't high on my to-do in front of my father-in-law.
And those are my excuses! Shutup!
--TMI Warning!
BM's are so much better. Two days in a row is an effing big deal for me (which would be depressing if I wasn't so ecstatic). I would also feel worse about talking about this if most of my known readers weren't already parents (I know, I know, it's different when it's YOUR kids, but honestly aren't you a little blase about poop by now?). In the meantime I'm mostly just "backspace, or not to backspace?"
--Oh another food experience that boosted my confidence in myself. Somebody brought Bosa Donuts into the office this morning and so far in my 23 and 1/2 years of life my only experience with these infamous delicacies has been the crumbling, squashed leftovers that my sweet husband brought home months and months ago from a long day (actually I think it was two days) at his office. So obviously I'm not really counting those. But I had just eaten my breakfast stuff that I brought along with me so I was able to say, "I will wait until later to cave in" because I'm really good at determination. #sarcasm
When the time came that I was ready to cave (right after my half of a burrito for lunch) all that was left was one of those useless unglazed, unsprinkled, unpowdered, unjellied donuts.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN EXIST??
And I was able to walk away sans donut and eat my watermelon slice in the fridge instead because why waste those calories? I think normally my brain would have said, "I'm stressed out, we deserve that donut, yessss, eat it, ssshhhh, it will all be over sooooon..." and I would have complained on Instagram about the lack of milk in this office like a whiner.
Instead I'm feeling just fine and haven't overloaded on unnecessary carbs!
Seriously though if it had glaze or icing or custard or even jelly I probably would have had it. So I'm not as awesome as I sound. I basically turned down sweet choke-bread. Woo-hoo go me.
It felt like a big step though, okay?
Friday, May 30th; Day OMGIGIVEUP
--Today did not start off well. It was a bad number morning. And like, not even that bad but I was brushing my teeth and thinking, "hmm, I think I did really well maybe it will be good news!"
It wasn't.
Despite exercising and forgoing donuts and eating watermelon slices and single hardboiled eggs as meal supplements for dayyyzzz I'm back up 2 whole pounds from my last weigh in.
Which could very well be bloating.
But it is so incredibly discouraging. From the beginning of the year until now I've only fluctuated within 5 lbs from my original start weight. I even went beyond that weight which is why I really kicked myself into gear a few weeks ago and started this blog-logging. (redundant much?)
Basically I'm frustrated. I'm slumped in a mucky rut of frustration.
And I haven't gone grocery shopping so meal prep is no-fun-times.
Whining McWhinerson here!
And I think I want kids, HAH.
--Rationally, I'm aware that there are most likely extenuating factors contributing to this weight gain and that my mirror-induced-hopes are probably not in vain because hello muscle gain.
But I'm quickly losing my ability to be rational no matter my efforts. Thanks uterus.
--Back to whining, BASICALLY I feel like I've been stuck around 175 for sooo loooong eating whatever junk I wanted to and living pretty sedentarilly (not a real word #yolo) but I wasn't getting any worse. So shrug, it was okay! But now I'm fo realz trying really hard and I'm going nowhere fast. NOWHERE. I've been glaring at that blasted 7 for so effing long I feel like it's my conjoined twin and we share a heart so I can never be removed of it. Y'know, without becoming a "heartless" monster. (ba-dum-tss)
And I knooooow, 175 isn't a horrid weight. I should be grateful.
But that's the other half of this equation.
It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I can't vent about the things that are "giving me grief" in my own life because I'm worried about offending someone else or giving the impression that I'm ungrateful for my circumstances or don't realize how lucky I am.
Just sometimes...I feel fat.
Regardless of who I know or how educated I am on BMI or how many "weight vs. height" obesity graphs I've memorized, I just. feel. fat.
I feel gross and unattractive and like a large, disgusting, human balloon. Except the balloon is old and deflated and stretched out and smells like saliva. (I don't smell like saliva, just...the metaphor... #descriptivewritingishaaaaard)
But it's hard to face those feelings and work through them and come out the other side feeling confident and okay with where I'm at and okay with the steps I'm taking to fix myself when I can't admit to having those feelings in the first place for fear of social retribution.
And like, you guys are nice! I like you people! I don't know why I'm so afraid of you yelling at me because I think I'm fat...sometimes.
Not sometimes I'm afraid but I only really, legitimately sometimes rag on myself for being heavier than I think I should at this point in my life. Heavier than I want to be, mostly.
Sigh.
Oh, I guess we're done emotionally vomiting now all over this public space. Yeah? Cool.
Actually one last disclaimer: Words of encouragement are appreciated, if you feel so inclined, but I have my weight loss plan and I've been on it for almost a month now and I'm sticking through this rough patch so please don't bombard me with tips and tricks and ask me to join your body building/cross fit/oil wrapping group because I will feel really awkward about it and agonize over how to turn it down without hurting your feelings and probably end up sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it altogether and then both of us will be sad and I really don't want that.
Please still be my friend though.
Monday, June 2; days and things
--That weekend flew by.
--The struggle is so very real.
--I've already had a cup of hot cocoa and a krispy kreme donut today and I have a grand total of zero delusions that I will be able to resist a second one after an appropriate amount of time waiting for everyone else to get at the box. You snooze, you lose. #allisfairinloveanddonuts (love and donuts, they're the same thing, right?)
--Weight is the same. As ever.
--BUT! I measured myself again and so far I've lost a total of two inches in bust (/sob) and three in waist! Really excited about that. Hips just as wide as ever.
--It's supposed to be bleepin' hot today so a bike ride after work is definitely on the slate. Plus our tv room is a bit occupied so Taebo is less of an ideal idea.
This fort was the best idea. We watched a movie, and played cards, and did 20 Questions; Animal Style also-unlimited-questions-style-because-reasons. And stayed up till almost eleven. On a work night! /legasp
Even Odin joined in on the fun but it was too dark to get a good picture. It was rather a "Camel in the Tent" experience.
As an effect of staying up till eleven, the fort still remains currently standing because we're not nearly adult enough to clean up after ourselves in a timely manner.
What iz dis, real life?! Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
It'll come down today, tho. Probably. Maybe. Or perhaps I'll eat popcorn and watch series three of Sherlock on Netflix. Finally.
There's laundry to fold. That's enough adult for one day.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Week of 5/20
Tuesday, May 20th; Day 8
--I'm kicking myself for not getting up early to exercise this morning. I wanted to sleep in and now I feel...just kinda sludgy. That's the only word I can come up with for it. The thought of BBQ tonight at the Mills' is pretty much the only thing keeping me from crawling under my desk to take a nap and hide from the world. Hot dogs, burgers, watermelon, and corn on the cob, it is summer for sure and I couldn't be happier about it. Not to mention I just bought a new swimming suit (a very different style for me, and an online purchase, crossing my fingers but leaning on the return policy if it all goes haywire) that should be here before our lake trip coming up in June. Last year was a complete and total blast but we had just bought our gopro and we had "calibrated" it wrong so it didn't save like it's supposed to and we lost a lot of the pictures and videos we took. Cool underwater shots and even a video as I went cliff jumping, so I'm looking forward to a second chance with all that.
This bullet point got huge. Apologies. I just love summer, okay?
--Oh my gosh my point. So we're hanging out with friends for dinner so exercising tonight may not be easily accomplished. Since it's a work night, we'll probably try to head home earlier and I want to try to do the 20 minute Flex, just to get something in. Dunno how I'm going to resist multiple hot dogs and potato chips and root beer floats. Oh, mama...
(update: Flex didn't happen. We're bums.)
--Another bit of TMI, but either this dieting and exercising is starting to help my complexion or I'm about to start my period. I'm not scheduled till the very beginning of June so this would be shockingly early but it's my usual MO. For a couple days prior I get this blessed lull in breakouts and I feel great and then all hell breaks loose on my face for the next 3-4 weeks, slamming my euphoria into disappointment and humiliation. Boo.
--This has nothing to do with the fitness but all to do with the adultness, I've been doing really well with keeping up on the dishes. Mark absolutely loathes dishes but we like to cook so sink-overload is pretty much the norm. I should also remember the feeling of accomplishment I get as I come down the stairs in the morning and see the pretty vacuum lines in the carpet. And the fact that I weeded and trimmed our front landscaping and swept afterwards so the walking stones/sidewalk were clear.
But then I start to feel rather how Hyperbole and a Half so eloquently put into this nifty chart (with brief salty language, apologies);
Friday, May 23rd; Day 11
--The delicious fiasco from Tuesday has officially been dealt with. I'm back to where I was before all the hot dogs and baked beans smothered me with their siren song. Now I just have to get through this 3-day weekend without stuffing my face again. Luckily we don't really have any over-the-top plans, we may just bbq at our own house then skip town to the lake for all of Monday. The less I have to resist the better.
--I'm nailing down a night-time routine as far as skin care and I am seeing major improvement in the facial region. Whether it be the "eating clean", exercising, or just general hygiene, something is working. Crossing my fingers that it'll stick around.
--Mark and I are riding our bikes basically anywhere within 5 miles that we won't have bags and bags of stuff to bring home (cough-cough-groceries) and it's actually really nice. I think I could be very happy living in some remote town where cars aren't used much and everybody just bikes around like some weird cycling flock of hippies. But for now Mesatown is okay, I guess.
Tuesday, May 27th; Day 15
--Technically today is part of the next week but yesterday was exhausting and we didn't get home till about 9pm and I just wanted a bath and my bed. So I'm finishing out last week on the first day of this week. #timewarp
--We did so good! Memorial weekend could have ruined us but it went fabulously. We had friends over on Saturday and we had steak, chicken, corn on the cob, watermelon, and popsicles. It was a perfect example that it's possible to hang out with friends and not completely ruin any dieting efforts.
On Monday we waited till 9 am for Mark to be released from his on-call week at work and we packed up the truck and headed out to the lake! We took tortillas with peanut butter and honey for him (I can't stand it, blech) and sliced leftover steak/chicken and sauteed veggies for me. There was leftover corn and watermelon from Saturday that we hauled along as well. It was plenty of food and we felt good eating it rather than having chips and soda and heavy processed foods. It took a little bit of prep, but really not much in the scheme of things.
I'll post a separate post about the day of, cuz we had a pretty rockin' Memorial Day.
--I'm sleeping "better" but my dreams have taken a bit of a horrific turn lately. Curious to know if that's because of the way I'm eating or just a particularly stressful period of life. Not sure.
--Skin is still on the mend.
--Water is my best friend.
--Hopefully this next week I can break through my current plateau. If I could not be staring at that dreaded 7 any longer I would be most grateful.
--I'm kicking myself for not getting up early to exercise this morning. I wanted to sleep in and now I feel...just kinda sludgy. That's the only word I can come up with for it. The thought of BBQ tonight at the Mills' is pretty much the only thing keeping me from crawling under my desk to take a nap and hide from the world. Hot dogs, burgers, watermelon, and corn on the cob, it is summer for sure and I couldn't be happier about it. Not to mention I just bought a new swimming suit (a very different style for me, and an online purchase, crossing my fingers but leaning on the return policy if it all goes haywire) that should be here before our lake trip coming up in June. Last year was a complete and total blast but we had just bought our gopro and we had "calibrated" it wrong so it didn't save like it's supposed to and we lost a lot of the pictures and videos we took. Cool underwater shots and even a video as I went cliff jumping, so I'm looking forward to a second chance with all that.
This bullet point got huge. Apologies. I just love summer, okay?
--Oh my gosh my point. So we're hanging out with friends for dinner so exercising tonight may not be easily accomplished. Since it's a work night, we'll probably try to head home earlier and I want to try to do the 20 minute Flex, just to get something in. Dunno how I'm going to resist multiple hot dogs and potato chips and root beer floats. Oh, mama...
(update: Flex didn't happen. We're bums.)
--Another bit of TMI, but either this dieting and exercising is starting to help my complexion or I'm about to start my period. I'm not scheduled till the very beginning of June so this would be shockingly early but it's my usual MO. For a couple days prior I get this blessed lull in breakouts and I feel great and then all hell breaks loose on my face for the next 3-4 weeks, slamming my euphoria into disappointment and humiliation. Boo.
--This has nothing to do with the fitness but all to do with the adultness, I've been doing really well with keeping up on the dishes. Mark absolutely loathes dishes but we like to cook so sink-overload is pretty much the norm. I should also remember the feeling of accomplishment I get as I come down the stairs in the morning and see the pretty vacuum lines in the carpet. And the fact that I weeded and trimmed our front landscaping and swept afterwards so the walking stones/sidewalk were clear.
But then I start to feel rather how Hyperbole and a Half so eloquently put into this nifty chart (with brief salty language, apologies);
(via)
In fact, that whole post is very nearly my life. Minus all the f-bombs and cursings.
Wednesday, May 21; Day 9
--Guyyyyysss...I fell off the wagon. No, I took a running leap off the wagon. And unfortunately the wagon was precariously perched at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and even further unfortunately, I do not have the gift of flight.
I did a horrible job resisting the food at the get-together last night. I think the only way to pay penance to the dieting gods is to adequately shame myself by admitting my sins; not one but two hot dogs, one hamburger (no cheese but only cuz I forgot about cheese, I was in so much haste to stuff my face how do you forget cheese I am shamed), far too many jalapeno pringles, like, three helpings of beans, a single heavenly root beer float, and a glass of soda.
As payment for my transgressions, I am up 5 pounds on the scale from sunday.
It is a dark and dismal morning in the house of Douglass.
<hyperbole>
I also didn't help myself by completely spacing that we were going to a party that night and I ate the rest of the pasta leftovers for lunch that I'd brought to work earlier that week.
So NOM NOM OMG ALL THE CARBS.
I'm so good at this.
--Today I'm eating a cup of applesauce for breakfast, cantaloupe wedges for snacks, and a cup of leftover baked beans and a hardboiled egg for lunch, and probably chicken and veggies for dinner.
--Mark bought a bike yesterday so today will be our first ride! More on that later when it has actually happened.
--^It happened. For our first venture out on the bikes we decided to ride 3 miles to walmart, there and back, to buy helmets and a dog leash for Odin. Not even out of our neighborhood we both realized that the minuscule, narrow seats would not be sticking around long and our bruised bums can attest to that. We stopped by Panda Express to share a 2-entree plate and picked the less fried and more veggie-laden options. Mark fixed up both our bikes once we got home with our new seats. A quick trial spin was enough to know we made the right decision.
--I weighed myself at the end of the day today and I'm back down 2 pounds after my 5lb spike from last night so wheeeee! We're on a roller coaster, it would seem.
--The delicious fiasco from Tuesday has officially been dealt with. I'm back to where I was before all the hot dogs and baked beans smothered me with their siren song. Now I just have to get through this 3-day weekend without stuffing my face again. Luckily we don't really have any over-the-top plans, we may just bbq at our own house then skip town to the lake for all of Monday. The less I have to resist the better.
--I'm nailing down a night-time routine as far as skin care and I am seeing major improvement in the facial region. Whether it be the "eating clean", exercising, or just general hygiene, something is working. Crossing my fingers that it'll stick around.
--Mark and I are riding our bikes basically anywhere within 5 miles that we won't have bags and bags of stuff to bring home (cough-cough-groceries) and it's actually really nice. I think I could be very happy living in some remote town where cars aren't used much and everybody just bikes around like some weird cycling flock of hippies. But for now Mesatown is okay, I guess.
Tuesday, May 27th; Day 15
--Technically today is part of the next week but yesterday was exhausting and we didn't get home till about 9pm and I just wanted a bath and my bed. So I'm finishing out last week on the first day of this week. #timewarp
--We did so good! Memorial weekend could have ruined us but it went fabulously. We had friends over on Saturday and we had steak, chicken, corn on the cob, watermelon, and popsicles. It was a perfect example that it's possible to hang out with friends and not completely ruin any dieting efforts.
On Monday we waited till 9 am for Mark to be released from his on-call week at work and we packed up the truck and headed out to the lake! We took tortillas with peanut butter and honey for him (I can't stand it, blech) and sliced leftover steak/chicken and sauteed veggies for me. There was leftover corn and watermelon from Saturday that we hauled along as well. It was plenty of food and we felt good eating it rather than having chips and soda and heavy processed foods. It took a little bit of prep, but really not much in the scheme of things.
I'll post a separate post about the day of, cuz we had a pretty rockin' Memorial Day.
--I'm sleeping "better" but my dreams have taken a bit of a horrific turn lately. Curious to know if that's because of the way I'm eating or just a particularly stressful period of life. Not sure.
--Skin is still on the mend.
--Water is my best friend.
--Hopefully this next week I can break through my current plateau. If I could not be staring at that dreaded 7 any longer I would be most grateful.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Week of 5/13
Friday, May 16th; Day 4
--It's far too early to pat myself on the back but for the last three days I have successfully completed a dvd routine of Taebo. I bought a three disc set that came on Tuesday and promptly started that night. The set includes a Cardio, Flex, and Flex express routine. Cardio is basically the same "moves" as Flex, only you don't clench and hold the punches/kicks like in Flex. And Flex express is just a 20 minute routine rather than 40 for those days when you just don't quite have the time.
--My favorite part of Taebo has always been that it, to me, is practical exercise. I'm being active and I'm learning self-defense in the process. Heaven forbid, but if I'm ever attacked I feel like I now have a higher chance of being able to kick my body into gear and fight back because I have muscle memory of roundhouse kicks, uppercuts, and right/left hooks. Although I'd probably break my wrist because my form is terrible. Not to mention it's not bulking exercise but rather toning. Which is what I need. #flabfest
--So far I have noticed feeling more ready for sleep when I lay down at night. This week, two of the three routines were completed right before getting in bed (but not without a good rinsing in the shower first, ew) and I think I sleep better when I do that. Which is huge.
--My hunger hasn't changed. I'm continuing to use juices for light meals and having chicken or fish and vegetables for dinner. Soups for lunch when I wanna switch it up. We kind of surprised ourselves, we accidentally haven't had bread for probably over a month now. I don't remember the last time I bought a loaf. We didn't sit down and decide, "Okay we're going off bread" it just kind of happened, so that's why I say "accidentally".
--Since it's only been a couple days, weight loss has been minimal. But! Two nights I sinfully indulged in desserts because of events (leftovers brought home from Mark's Tech Fest and then a Relief Society activity) yet I still continued to lose weight rather than gain. I'll take it! And it wasn't like, a small cupcake, Mark brought home chocolate souffle and vanilla ice cream (which we shared) and at the RS fiesta they had churro truffles (only ate one!) and fried ice cream.
--It may just be psychological but I think I see a difference in my face. It seems more well-defined and slimmer before I put on makeup. Although we've been eating clean for a couple weeks now and I've been keeping up with hydration like a water machine for months now and unfortunately it hasn't made much of a difference in my complexion. So that's discouraging. But I'm glad to no longer be perpetuating the problem with poor eating habits.
--TMI but my BM's are slowly getting better. It's been...clogged up for awhile so this is a glorious step that I'm hoping continues.
Mark has taken to doing the exercises with me and we both are benefiting incredibly from it. Emotionally and psychologically. Exercising together is bonding us as a couple and every time we've had a nice conversation afterward about how good we feel and how glad we are that we're actively doing something about our weight goals. We both just cross our fingers that we can continue to be motivated to stick with it and get some real results!
Oh, speaking of Tech Fest. In addition to his "swag bag" they also have I guess bowls of candy bars at the different stations/booths/whatever and I sat on the floor having just sweated out the cardio routine as he pulled chocolate bar after chocolate bar out of his backpack and dumped them on the floor. He brought home probably twenty or so assorted snickers, twix, milky way, and kit kat bars.
/facepalm
We promptly stashed them in boxes and put them in the fridge, agreeing to only indulge in them as a reward every time we lose five pounds. I can do hard things.
Monday, May 19th; Day 7
Well we did so good and then I blogged about it and jinxed us. Curses.
--Friday, Saturday, and Sunday went by without much exercising. We meant to bike to dinner with friends on Friday but Mark was unable to find a craigslist listing that would either get back to us or work for our budget. Although I nearly permanently curved my back from all the sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming I did on Saturday. We did however go for a nice long walk with Odin on Sunday.
--My hunger is growing. I am struggling with the urge to gorge myself when I do eat, but I always feel better about it when I resist. I've found that it's helpful to elongate my eating time by taking forever with my food so I feel like I'm getting more. Woot psychology.
--I'm still losing, despite my poor exercising. Excruciatingly slow, but losing ounces is still losing.
--Yardwork is gunna hafta cut it as exercise for today. But yanking out weeds and trimming bougainvillea is not a sweat-less task so I'm not gunna feel bad about it.
--It would appear (according to my measurements) that I have lost a couple inches in the bust (sad face) and an inch or so in the waist. Not much in the hips. So that feels good to the psyche, whether or not I can visually see a difference. The numbers don't lie.
Is this what being a real life adult is like? Before, I had the excuse that I was deliberately not facing my chores and that's why I didn't have the time to do the dishes or fold the laundry. It's because I was binge watching Sherlock, or ANTM reruns. But now I'm legitimately trying and I'm gunna be honest, it's exhausting. In a good way! I actually don't miss the tv as much as I thought I might and I really enjoy my shows when I can get to them, rather than just feeling lazy and sluggish.
But at the same time, even without being hooked to the projector, I'm still gutted for time. Oof. Growing up is hard business, yo.
This has been a long time coming. Don't be thinking I just woke up last monday and thought, "Maybe I should try eating better and doing my chores and being an actual adult."
--It's far too early to pat myself on the back but for the last three days I have successfully completed a dvd routine of Taebo. I bought a three disc set that came on Tuesday and promptly started that night. The set includes a Cardio, Flex, and Flex express routine. Cardio is basically the same "moves" as Flex, only you don't clench and hold the punches/kicks like in Flex. And Flex express is just a 20 minute routine rather than 40 for those days when you just don't quite have the time.
--My favorite part of Taebo has always been that it, to me, is practical exercise. I'm being active and I'm learning self-defense in the process. Heaven forbid, but if I'm ever attacked I feel like I now have a higher chance of being able to kick my body into gear and fight back because I have muscle memory of roundhouse kicks, uppercuts, and right/left hooks. Although I'd probably break my wrist because my form is terrible. Not to mention it's not bulking exercise but rather toning. Which is what I need. #flabfest
--So far I have noticed feeling more ready for sleep when I lay down at night. This week, two of the three routines were completed right before getting in bed (but not without a good rinsing in the shower first, ew) and I think I sleep better when I do that. Which is huge.
--My hunger hasn't changed. I'm continuing to use juices for light meals and having chicken or fish and vegetables for dinner. Soups for lunch when I wanna switch it up. We kind of surprised ourselves, we accidentally haven't had bread for probably over a month now. I don't remember the last time I bought a loaf. We didn't sit down and decide, "Okay we're going off bread" it just kind of happened, so that's why I say "accidentally".
--Since it's only been a couple days, weight loss has been minimal. But! Two nights I sinfully indulged in desserts because of events (leftovers brought home from Mark's Tech Fest and then a Relief Society activity) yet I still continued to lose weight rather than gain. I'll take it! And it wasn't like, a small cupcake, Mark brought home chocolate souffle and vanilla ice cream (which we shared) and at the RS fiesta they had churro truffles (only ate one!) and fried ice cream.
--It may just be psychological but I think I see a difference in my face. It seems more well-defined and slimmer before I put on makeup. Although we've been eating clean for a couple weeks now and I've been keeping up with hydration like a water machine for months now and unfortunately it hasn't made much of a difference in my complexion. So that's discouraging. But I'm glad to no longer be perpetuating the problem with poor eating habits.
--TMI but my BM's are slowly getting better. It's been...clogged up for awhile so this is a glorious step that I'm hoping continues.
Mark has taken to doing the exercises with me and we both are benefiting incredibly from it. Emotionally and psychologically. Exercising together is bonding us as a couple and every time we've had a nice conversation afterward about how good we feel and how glad we are that we're actively doing something about our weight goals. We both just cross our fingers that we can continue to be motivated to stick with it and get some real results!
Oh, speaking of Tech Fest. In addition to his "swag bag" they also have I guess bowls of candy bars at the different stations/booths/whatever and I sat on the floor having just sweated out the cardio routine as he pulled chocolate bar after chocolate bar out of his backpack and dumped them on the floor. He brought home probably twenty or so assorted snickers, twix, milky way, and kit kat bars.
/facepalm
We promptly stashed them in boxes and put them in the fridge, agreeing to only indulge in them as a reward every time we lose five pounds. I can do hard things.
Monday, May 19th; Day 7
Well we did so good and then I blogged about it and jinxed us. Curses.
--Friday, Saturday, and Sunday went by without much exercising. We meant to bike to dinner with friends on Friday but Mark was unable to find a craigslist listing that would either get back to us or work for our budget. Although I nearly permanently curved my back from all the sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming I did on Saturday. We did however go for a nice long walk with Odin on Sunday.
--My hunger is growing. I am struggling with the urge to gorge myself when I do eat, but I always feel better about it when I resist. I've found that it's helpful to elongate my eating time by taking forever with my food so I feel like I'm getting more. Woot psychology.
--I'm still losing, despite my poor exercising. Excruciatingly slow, but losing ounces is still losing.
--Yardwork is gunna hafta cut it as exercise for today. But yanking out weeds and trimming bougainvillea is not a sweat-less task so I'm not gunna feel bad about it.
--It would appear (according to my measurements) that I have lost a couple inches in the bust (sad face) and an inch or so in the waist. Not much in the hips. So that feels good to the psyche, whether or not I can visually see a difference. The numbers don't lie.
Is this what being a real life adult is like? Before, I had the excuse that I was deliberately not facing my chores and that's why I didn't have the time to do the dishes or fold the laundry. It's because I was binge watching Sherlock, or ANTM reruns. But now I'm legitimately trying and I'm gunna be honest, it's exhausting. In a good way! I actually don't miss the tv as much as I thought I might and I really enjoy my shows when I can get to them, rather than just feeling lazy and sluggish.
But at the same time, even without being hooked to the projector, I'm still gutted for time. Oof. Growing up is hard business, yo.
This has been a long time coming. Don't be thinking I just woke up last monday and thought, "Maybe I should try eating better and doing my chores and being an actual adult."
"Do you think she woke up one morning and said: 'I think I'll go to law school today'?"
It's really hard (and I'm not even in law school). We've been those stereotypical New-Years'-Resolutioners and made all these plans at the beginning of the year and it's taken till now to really kick into gear. There have been slips and tumbles (MANY of them) and there will definitely be more.
Week one down, lifestyle change to go!
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