Saturday, August 6, 2011

I Love My Life

Firstly, please watch:

Secondly, I should've just posted THAT to explain our story.
For my silly, LONG and grammatically failed attempt, visit here.

Yesterday was my last day of work at Walmart for the next little while. It was also quite possibly the longest day I've ever spent there. Knowing that there were only 4 hours left on any shift I'd be fulfilling at that particular door seemed to lengthen into 4 days. Funny how time can do that. It's a blessing and a curse.
I was genuinely surprised by the amount of well-wishes I received from a fair amount of my co-workers. Managers I was sure didn't know my name, random people I'd only talked to a handful of times and I even got a hug.
Though that was from one of the obnoxious fellahs mentioned here. Ol' #1 there. He saw me walking out and ran from his cash register to hug me. Just left a customer hanging there. The customers face was kind of priceless. I'm almost pretty sure my face matched it, actually.
I'm excited beyond expression for what these next few months hold in store for me. I sense a lot of growing and change for myself in them. I'm so grateful that I have a few close, loyal friends to support me and give me strength along the way, regardless of the distance between us.
My life has come up spinning at a very large, very intimidating line. I feel like that spin top from Inception, whirling and twirling, barely able to catch a sturdy footing or glimpse of what's ahead before I tumble off the table and plummet into a new experience.
I'm moving out; that in and of itself is huge for me. I've never lived away from home for more than maybe a month at a time. Girls camp, EFY, music camp, staying with my sister in cali, all were merely stretching my toe out of my comfort zone and dabbling in the pool of reality.
I'll have complete stranger roommates; I've dealt with being thrown in a room with weird people I've never met....for about a week. Not four months. I'm praying I'm matched with people that I can handle (and they can handle me) for this extended amount of time.
I'll have bills; Again, living at home, I know I'm spoiled. Hopefully, having no delusions about spending all my money to sleep in a bed and to eat veggies at least some part of the week will keep me from being shell-shocked when I morph into that poor college student that is a part of everyone else's life.
My faith will be stretched; part of the Disney agreement is that I have to be available Friday, Saturday, Sunday and two other days during the week. I'm also taking a bicycle as my mode of transportation. Those two factors combined with completely by myself it'll be hard to get myself to church every week. I wish I could say there was no question about it and I'll be sitting in sacrament 10 minutes early like the dutiful LDS saint I should be. But I'm not. I have struggles. I do, however, have enough faith to know that I sincerely want to try and be there. To try and get better.
I'm losing the comfort and safety of my boyfriend; this is a hard one. My heart aches and my eyes sting at the thought of not being able to see his smile when I do stupid, quirky things. The thought that I won't curl up on his lap and feel his warm, enveloping arms surround me during this period of growth and adventure scares me. I want him there beside me. I want us to grow side by side. I dreamt last night that we were both at some sort of seminar in a large auditorium. But the crowd was segregated by different classes and I couldn't sit next to him. I wasn't allowed. I wanted desperately to sit in the chair next to him, hold his hand and get his take on what was being taught. I'm going to miss him terribly. Luckily, I'll have skype and chatting and texting and phone calls to keep me from slumping into a puddled mess of human being. He's my pillar. My foundation. The stitching that keeps my soul intact. I mean it when I say he's the friend I never found in myself. He made everything about me ok. I can accept myself with him being part of me. He legitimized my existence.
Or something like that. He's ok, I guess.

I'm about to turn 21 ('about' being a relative term....meaning like, 4.5 months) and I'm actually growing up for the first time. There's a whole lot of life laid out ahead of me and I'm excited to discover it year by year.
As well as cowering in fear that I won't live up to it.
But here's to trying!

And now I'm done. Cuz I need to shower. Cuz I'm gonna go bake yummy things and craft pretty things and laugh until I'm 5 lbs skinnier with bestest best friend Allie :)

I love my life <3

1 comment:

  1. this is basically the best thing i have ever read... :) i loves you and you are awesome.
    Also, i'm glad to see that i finally made it onto the Awesome People are Awesome list! WOOT!