This here is me right now...
And this is you, amirite?...
You guys; BOOM. Thought process had a moment.
I've been consistently stumped as to how I feel about babies. I've always, always known I'm gonna be a mommy and that's what I want to do with my life, what I want to be. A mother. No question, no doubt about it.
But when? When do I become a mommy?! That question has plagued me since getting married. The minute that children was the next "life"-step in mine and my husbands lives all of a sudden I had no idea how I could ever be a mom. Being responsible for a tiny glob of living, breathing flesh seemed too much pressure and I wouldn't want to do it.
No thank you.
What?! Hope! For shame! Where did all those years of dreaming and knowing and wishing go?
I am now seeing that at no point will I magically wake up one morning ready to spit out a human and take care of him/her for the rest of my life. I have no illusions that I'll find some hidden corner of my being that will make me more prepared for it than I am right now.
But I have realized once again that motherhood is exactly what I want to do with my life. I am not a career-lady. I will never be sacrificing work for family or vice versa. I don't need that, as a person. As a woman. I put "person" first because it makes no difference what gender I am, that's not the way I am. I put woman second because I do have baby-feeders and a baby-portal (trying to keep it G here) and I own up to that biological gift I have been given.
I'm sitting here at a desk, in an office, listening to the moaning and groaning and whining and BAM. I realized that I would so much rather deal with the poopy diapers, late night/early mornings, spitup, crying, mess and mayhem than the typical complaints of a big-kid job.
I'd rather mother than work-for-hire.
If I'm gonna be "working", I'd like it to be in the home and with my children. They will be my work. And it will be hard work. But it's the work I want.
I'm happy to discover this about myself and look forward to the day I can quit this office job and take up my God-given role of mother to the wonderful, choice spirits He will entrust to us.
Even Ron Swanson is happy for me guys...