Our experience with the Polar Vortex aftermath...

Again, GPS saved our hides this whole trip but it was exceptionally blissful during our navigating the streets of Long Island and literally I-don't-even-know-where-else because I was constantly lost. We went through the Holland Tunnel at one point. We got to Liberty Park where Mark had wanted to stop because apparently you can see Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty from there? Or you could if visibility wasn't down to like, four miles. After mega frustration at the lack of decent signage we found a place to park that wouldn't cost moneys and had an accessible bathroom and [gingerly] frolicked through the snow for a couple minutes.

Mostly it consisted of me dragging Mark around to take a few photos while he begged to retreat back into the van. We eventually did and pleaded with GPS to lead us out of the city. After getting out onto the major highways we quickly discovered something. Having spent my entire driving life in a desert state, those windshield wiper fluid squirters have always seemed...superfluous. Unnecessary. Does anyone really use those? K, but srsly they are absolutely positively most direly needed where it gets wet and cold and they put salt on the roads. Because that salt film will dry onto your windshield in seconds and there's nothing you can do but get it wet again and wipe it off.
Guess what was not in working condition in our van.
The windshield wiper fluid squirters.
It felt like every five minutes we had to pull over, splash some defroster fluid onto the windshield and oh mama did that get old so fast. A temporary solution was to find a semi truck flipping up water from the roads and stick close behind him so the salt didn't have the chance to dry up. This exact circumstance is what rendered the most stressful driving shift of my entire life. Barreling down the freeway in the dark with a storm raging about and huge trucks rumbling past me with a nearly opaque film constantly building and obscuring my vision. Pulling off into the rest stop we'd made a goal of getting to for that night was a moment of sweet relief. We slept there that first night, backed up against a steep sloping hill peppered with tall trees and a thick coating of freezing snow. I slept on the back bench since it was an easy, perfect fit for me and Mark huddled on a couple camping pads and a sleeping bag on the floor. It was nearly impossible to sleep past four in the morning, as we discovered over the next few nights. We both woke up perfectly cozy in our bundled up makeshift beds except for our noses. Ah, the conundrum of a cold nose versus the suffocation of stuffing one's head into the sleeping bag.

Sunday was all about getting to Chicago. Our goal was to get some classic deep dish pizza from a place we'd heard rave reviews and we drove all day to get there. Thankfully, the pizza was well worth it. Even for the three block walk we had to make from the closest parking spot we could find. That was a miserable little walk, indeed. I now first-hand understand why they call it the Windy City. Getting to Walmart to pick up some more motor oil was a trial in and of itself. The parking lot was basically a literal frozen tundra and any exposed skin left to face the inclement weather was stinging and numb within a few seconds. Wind chill is a beast, man.
Obviously we're not crazy and knew we couldn't try to sleep in our van parked in the glorious city of Chicago. We went about an hour out of the city to a rather large rest stop where a herd of semi's stretched all the up the deceleration lane. We found a cozy spot between two semi's and spent the night there, protected from the wind and benefiting from the idle engine heat of our neighboring semi.
Woke again at four in the morning to find this lovely sight on my cell phone...

D'you see that? "Real Feel negative 24."

I grew up in a relatively small town in Utah with mountains in my backyard and am no stranger to snow and chilly temperatures. But das ridikalus.

I'm not sure how to transition here. So just enjoy an instagram review of the above events:

Visibility and road conditions. 

Evidence of the salt film fiasco.

This was the passenger side, much worse because we ended up not even bothering

and only focusing on the driver's side to preserve fluid.

Epitome of obnoxious.

Keepin' it simple with the "Classic Chicago".

The crust was just stiff enough to make it easy to eat with our hands

and the sauce was perfect.

Very worthwhile.

The aforementioned Walmart frozen tundra.

Please notice the swirling ice clouds.

It wasn't actually snowing at that moment, the wind was just whipping it around.

^basically the mantra of my mind our whole time in the East

"Pay it Forward"

Trudging up the road, dragging our luggage through the crusted brown slush and attempting to find a heated place that serves warm food. But most places weren't open yet. We headed to the 7-eleven nearby to call a cab but before even reaching the parking lot, a kind lady in a cozy knitted beanie came towards us and offered sweetly, "You folks need a ride somewhere?".

A complete stranger went out of her way to take us three miles up the road to the car lot where our van was and all she asked in return..."Make sure to pay it forward."
God bless the humans.

What a way to start out our adventure. Last friday night we flew out to New York on a red eye to pick up a 2007 Dodge Sprinter that we had purchased from ebay. To give you an idea of how we found this crazy line of thinking worthwhile, vans of the same type and model in our area go for about twice the amount we paid for this van in New York. And we got a heckuva wild adventure out of it, too. #yolo

No but really, why did we buy a van? Some of our friends were tricked into thinking it was because we are expanding our family and need a more family friendly vehicle. Such is not the case (as of yet), but we were indeed in need of a larger, more spacious vehicle. Currently it is a two (wo)man job to get the harp into our truck and I need it to be a one woman job. The van will also allow me to leave it standing, thus cutting down on the wear and tear of laying the instrument on it's side. 

As well as this massive, 12-passenger van will give us loads more opportunity to go on fun road trips with more people than just us two and whoever is crazy enough to ride along. Weekend trip to Disneyland? I think yes.

We experienced no shortage of blessings and miracles on this trip. The above experience being one of the most well-timed and angelic. We landed in New York having slept a cumulative one hour between the both of us, found our way to the shuttle bus since the rail was closed, made it onto the Long Island Rail and enjoyed pleasant conversation with two native New Yorkers who were kind enough to point out how obvious it was that we had no idea what we were doing by asking where we were coming from. Or maybe it was just our giant luggage in tow. 

After encountering a...different brand of New Yorker (slightly smelly, slightly deranged, overly friendly dude who at one point tried to grab my suitcase on the train...sucks for him because my hands were frozen to it), we got off on a completely deserted looking stop (accompanied by our new "friend") and lawd bless gps because we would probably be frozen in some New Jersey gutter without that blessed amenity. Smart phones revolutionized travel, I'm serious. #srsbsns

*See italicized account above.

I wrote that while we were picking up the van because I didn't want to forget how special an experience that was. We were tired, we were lost and unsure of how to do anything as simple as even calling a taxi, and we'd only been in the state a couple hours. Aren't New Yorkers supposed to be mean? Or at least just apathetic? In any case, I continue to bless the angel woman that approached us without restraint and helped us get where we needed to without having to pay for a taxi. 

I feel like I just walked out of a chapter of Matilda and her dad runs this carshop. Everyone has strong Brooklyn accents and basically handed us the keys to send us on our way. Um...maybe we check that it runs first? Can we get a temporary registration through you? Help?
But then Bob showed up. Bob is elderly and has the kind of mustache you can trust. He stood around in stoic silence, giving us the, "Crazy hooligans" look of a man wizened by years of schooling young whippersnappers. The van starts and we're just waiting for Dennis (Mark's contact through this whole ordeal) to arrive so we can get the temp registration printed out.
Look, I know how fishy this sounds.
I'm living in fishy. I'm arctic cod at this point. But dang it if this isn't the greatest adventure of 2014...so far. Go big or go home, right?
I hope we make it home...

We know how crazy we were to fly out to the other side of the country for a van. A van. And it didn't help our nerves that car salesman are notoriously skeezy. Our brains are programmed to not trust them. But we crossed our fingers and took the plunge anyway. 

We were able to get a temporary registration through them, and probably half an hour after we arrived we were driving out onto the streets of New York. We both agreed Mexican food sounded good (since we'd had nothing to eat but airplane peanuts since dinner the night before) and made the silly mistake of thinking we'd find anything remotely resembling mexican in the east coast city of Smithtown. 

PS- it sucked.

Knifes are dangerous. Also always do a thorough double check of your first aid kit supplies. Then you won't have to dash across the slush ridden street nearly breaking your ankle to make a bandaid and antiseptic run to the pharmacy across the street.

We stayed in the parking lot of the tiny restaurant because who knows where we'd find a similar free parking arrangement, and Mark fiddled with the van a little bit to get it set up the way we wanted. I moseyed on back to read some Harry Potter and not ten minutes later he says rather frantically, "Honey? Do we have a first aid kit?!" 

Few other words make a wife's heart drop into her stomach as quickly as those. I don't know what he'd been doing but it seems the man needs a boy scout lesson in proper pocket knife etiquette. Luckily I do keep a small kit with me in my purse but all I had were alcohol wipes and gauze packets. Even more luckily there was a pharmacy right across the street and I braved the harsh winds whipping ice crystals off the fresh snow to heroically fetch medical supplies. 

We were back onto the street in no time, headed for an autozone and then on to Liberty Park to try and get a couple shots of us with the city in the background.

Dear NY Cop,
Why yes indeed we did come "all the way to New York for a car." Is that a problem?

Literally three miles from where we'd stopped for lunch and probably only an hour since having the van, we got pulled over by a cop who was highly suspicious of why we had such a van with no license plate. Mark gave him all the usual paperwork necessities and when the cop held up his AZ license his eyebrows raised a couple inches easily, asking in a doubtful tone, "you came all the way to New York for a car?" 

But with a valid license, insurance, and the registration taped to the back of the window, he had no reason to hold us further and we were, once again, on the road within a couple minutes.

Barely three hours in New York and the adventures hadn't stopped coming. But things only got better from there...

My Very Own Princess 'Do

Keepin' with the "Princess" theme here, because nothing else of interest is happenin'...at least, that I want to write about yet. #intrigue

So! I chopped my hair off. Yes, yes I realize the photo of myself that I have stamped on this blog is a picture of my hair as it was a couple years ago...short. But not to worry, I will pleasure you with the before and after pictures I uploaded to instagram so do not fret. But I'm also giving you the story of how it happened that day (um, yesterday) so shutup and sit tight. (Just kidding, I love you, don't be mad.)

Monday night my husband got an email that our red-eye flight to NY had been cancelled because the east coast is living in a perpetual Day After Tomorrow loop and I guess that makes flying dangerous? (hint: sarcasm) Because that complicated our lives unnecessarily, we both ended up taking Tuesday off to come up with a plan B and sit on the phone for hours to get in touch with an airline representative to get our flight changed because our confirmation number no longer turned up anything on the website.

Our flight has successfully been changed to Friday night, so as long as Elsa can contain her temper tantrum, we should be out there by the end of the week.
We then went to the post office to pick up the title that the car dealership out in New York had sent us because apparently mailmen don't bother knocking anymore. On our way back home, I was simmering in anger at the state of static my hair was in and general frustration with my long hair.
Mark said, "Cut it."
I said, "Okay."
And I called Great Clips to inquire about donating and appointments.
They don't do appointments, but wait time was very short and there was a location within a mile from our house and suddenly I felt very nervous. An excited nervous, but still nervous nonetheless. I skimmed through my hair pins on Pinterest to find one that I really, really liked and would want on my own head.
I took my before pics...

Shout-out to my makeup for being blessedly cooperative.
And then I forgot about starting a load of laundry before I left and skipped merrily on my way to drastically change my hair.
I turned the wrong way down the street and contemplated the meaning...maybe it's a sign!
It wasn't. Cuz that's stupid.
I got to the salon, checked in, sat down to continue reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and promptly felt better. Until the lady sitting one chair away from me got up and moved across the room in a huff as if I'd personally ruined her entire day by existing. Apologies, madame. Have a cookie and a hug.
A nice and bubbly stylist brought me back to a chair and asked, "What are we doing today?"
I replied that I'd like to donate and showed her the picture of what I wanted for the end result.
Her eyes got wide and she gasped, "Oh! We're going short!"
She pulled the mane back and tied it with a rubber band, proceeding to hack at it with bright, metallic rainbow scissors. It wasn't going well. The stylist next door leaned in to laugh a little at the absurd amount of hair she was trying to cut through and he suggested using the electric shears to saw at it. While more painful at times, it definitely went quicker.
She proceeded to take a razor to the ends and scrape away more and more of my hair. When she was snipping away to bring out the layers she mentioned, "Do you remember Mandy Moore? When she got her hair cut?..." I nodded excitedly in agreement, "This looks just like that! It's so cute!"
The stylist next door chimed in again, "You kind of remind me of her, too!"
Stahp gaiz, you're making me blush!
She's only the actress who voiced my favorite Disney princess, no big.
Every time she snipped more off, she gushed about how cute it looked on my face. We both agreed that a little bit longer cut than in the picture I brought was better for me. She thinned it out a little so the ends would lie a little closer to my head. She fluffed it up with a wax product (?) and then I was done! I was (and am) absolutely thrilled with the results. I went up to the counter to at least pay my tip, since the cut was free because I donated, but they smiled at me and said I was good to leave.
Mark was duly impressed and I proceeded to take a few pictures to post to instagram...

I didn't even know my phone could do that ^
A multitude (and by multitude I mean three)* of my [very kind] friends proceeded to make the observation that I looked like Rapunzel at the end of the movie...when Flynn uses his last bit of dying strength to save Rapunzel and free her from the clutches of Mother Gothel and omg feeeeels.
Needless to say, it was an exciting day being likened to both Mandy Moore and Rapunzel.
I got the laundry started and we finally worked up the gumption to take down our christmas tree. Guess what guys. A dried up tree is a messy tree. I wish I'd taken pictures of how many needles were left on our carpet by the time we were done ripping the ornaments and lights off of it, it was cray. But now we know, our vacuum is a dung bucket of failure.
So! New hair, no christmas tree, and endless possibilities ahead, the year of 2014 has officially begun and already broken in the Adventurous.

* 

Princess Parade: Pocahontas Promenade

Dood. Alliteration, ftw.

**Author's note:**
Please be wary of the many instances in which

 I will employ the delicate use of sarcasm.

These are meant to be entertaining little fluff-posts on the romances of Disney.

Not a serious commentary or diatribe on any politics or social convention thereof.

Carry on.

(My wayward son...)

It's been a few days since my last Princess post, thanks for comin' back!

Ariel
Cinderella
Snow White
Merida

Ready for the next one? Deep breath....

So we left off with Merida being the most bombtastic Disney chick around, but there are a couple other princesses that get kind of left in the dust, Pocahontas being one of them (in my humble opinion).
The internet is claiming that Elsa is the first Disney Princess to really break the mold as far as romance goes. Princess and dashing hero meet, a wedding follows a couple days later. Isn't this just totally not at all the case for Pocahontas? Firstly, marriage is so far from her mind she's just rolling her eyes at her silly chieftain father and snidely snickering at Kocoum, her betrothed, behind his back with her flirty friend Nakoma.
Then totes McHot Hottie billows in on his swelling sails and she's curious. She's intrigued. Pocahontas is open minded and this pale dude has a wealth of new, interesting bits of information for her to glean so naturally their relationship blossoms. Albeit quickly.
They spend one long day talking about anything and everything as well as "rolling in all the riches"...

[Disclaimer: I love everything about "Colors of the Wind" and it's a noteworthy Disney classic, but we'd be lying if we didn't admit that we all hit a certain age where that rolling down the hill bit got a little awkward and we started wondering exactly what was going through their minds in that moment. Lezbehonest.]

Pocahontas does some sneaking around and Nakoma notices because duh, sisters before misters. She's peeved because Pocahontas isn't paying any attention to her anymore (or maybe there's some moral ambiguity there, I dunno) so she tattles majorly and somebody dies. Are you happy now, Nakoma? She totally doesn't even feel remorse about it either. 5-year old me has never been very happy with Nakoma. Adult me knows she was the responsible, rational one and did what she thought was best. But 5-year old me is very loud and wants Nakoma put in time-out until she's sorry.
So Kocoum is laid to rest and his beautiful, brooding face is mourned by all, John Smith is tied to a pole in such a way to ensure a bit of revealed pectoral-cleavage...

And come dawn, it's execution time.
But Pocahontas perseveres at the encouragement of a sassy old tree and stands up to incredible odds from both sides raging for blood to be spilt.
It's easy to see where attraction would sprout between John and Pocahontas (other than their fabulous good looks).

• Compassionate, wide-eyed, open hearts in both.
• Pocahontas taught John that intentions aren't everything. He needed to see the bigger picture and realize he has to consider the world he's exploring before he can really understand it.
• John didn't question her interests, her passions, her dreams. He admired them. He admired her for them.
• They saw into each other on a deeper than skin level. Literally. Beyond the initial "omg ur so white/brown" first impression, they learn to look beyond appearances and see the soul beneath.

It's a really beautiful romance, regardless of how historically accurate. That's not the point of Disney.

BUT!

Do they get married?

No, they do not.

John gets injured saving the chieftain and proving Pocahontas' point. He invites Pocahontas to journey with him to new and distant lands which I'm sure just set her curiosity on fire, but she chooses her people and her responsibility and they go their separate ways. I won't even go into the sequel because Rolfe is a bumbling fool and I can't stand him for trying to replace John and history is dumb (5 year old me again, sorry). John Smith was one of my first Disney crushes, I can't help it. Apologies.

Time Tally: What, 3 days? I think? I'd need to watch the movie again to be sure...

Benefit of the Doubt: Forest frolicking, swimming with otters, biscuit eating and general hanging out/learning together can form a bit of a bond, let alone being allies against prejudice and her saving his life and he saving her daddy's. 

Solid Relationship Score: 7

But wait, there's more!

Next we jump to Mulan....

Women's Fashion aka Turd Fest

• Decorative pockets
• The number one insult to humanity. It's like lies and deceit woven into your clothing. Why would you want that? WHY?

• Pockets so tiny you can only snugly fit a quarter.
• This is pointless, give me the decorative pockets back.

• Translucent tees
• Flowy button-ups and blouses I understand, but really? A capsleeve, solid color tee?

Exactly

• Women's size charts are basically based on whim.
• Oh, you mean jean size? No, wait, dress size. European? 

• Women's hiking sneakers selection without having to go to a specialty store.
• Whoa, whoa, wait...you want ankle support and a tongue with decent coverage? Oh, and good luck getting those in 'waterproof'. Also, your laces will fray in a couple days. Cheerio.

• Pantyhose.
• Just...pantyhose.
• No but really, getting them on, keeping them on, getting them off, storing them, rips, fuzzballs, static cling, wedgies, they are everything wrong with the world.
• ^may contain hyperbole

Ahhh, that felt good to say.

Princess Parade: Merida's Turn

So by now you've probably seen that I've gone a little haywire on these Disney posts but we're halfway there, don't quit on me now! Once again, the original picture for reference:

Ariel
Cinderella
Snow White
(Ariel's face is still my favorite, anyone else reminded of Mother's "lip thing" from The Swan Princess?)

I've seen quite a few of these kinds of posts crediting Elsa with being the first level-headed Disney heroine not driven by her desire for a man.

Sorry for the language.
Okay, yes they've finally written in that particular sentence for a character to say OUT LOUD but really, have we not been paying attention at all??

Merida maybe? The ONE Disney princess movie that features a solo female lead. All the other male characters are just background noise, plot devices, barely even there. Merida obviously is not interested in a relationship and they don't even cross the threshold of romance but to introduce the conflict of arranged marriages. She's a fiery, passionate young lady led by the most admirable of dreams; to really, really live.
"Only the bravest warriors drink from the Firefalls!"
And now Merida.
"Princesses shouldn't have weapons."
Except Merida because she's an archery BOSS.
She is unapologetically herself. Which could be construed as a poor example to kids. "Do everything your parents tell you not to do, but it's okay because beee yourself."

But at the same time she teaches to question everything. Find out why you're being required to act a certain why. Educate yourself on your own life. It's your life!
Not to mention, she isn't justly rewarded for openly rebelling. She gets into all kinds of messes because she doesn't listen to her mom. What better lesson is that? Don't do what your mom tells you to and an evil, mystic, bear-with-a-grudge will come after you. She has to learn that there are consequences for her actions, just as we all have to learn that lesson. Usually the hard way.
And nowhere along the way does a man-boy come along and save her, help her, woo her, or distract her. It completely breaks the Disney formula!
Not to mention! Can we just appreciate how unique her look is?

She's flawed. She doesn't have model-esque features, she's just wonderfully unique. It's easy to see similarities between the other Disney Princesses and some even look related (Rapunzel, Anna, and Elsa much?) but Merida easily stands out.
Severely underrated Princess here.

Time Tally: Uh, not applicable.
Benefit of the Doubt: I'm still shipping Merida and Hiccup.

Although, I suppose it's unfair to use Merida as an example against the claim that Elsa is the first to really introduce the idea that "you can't marry a man you just met" because, as I pointed out, men aren't exactly featured as interacting directly with Merida.

So how about Pocahontas then?
To be continued!

Princess Parade: Snow White Version

lawlz okay I do what I want.

First things first; Ariel here and Cinderella here.

Seriously though Snow White is terrifying and ridiculous.
Okay so, again with the dead daddy issues and the curse of being "pretty". Snow White has a terrible mother figure and is apparently the one and only servant in the whole of the castle she lives in. But somehow she turned out sweet and good-natured anyway.
WHO is this guy??

He literally just shows up and sings with her. Do we know he's a prince? Does the cape mean 'prince'? That outfit looks pretty Page-y to me. Where are his credentials?! What's his name?? It's a pretty tiny dagger he's got, maybe he's the prince of France. Do they even have a conversation? This is so fishy...
Queen banishes Snow and orders the Huntsman to bring back her heart because that's not totally out-of-line and creeptastic.
But considering Snow's a decent human being the Huntsman lets her go but still abandons her in the totally terrifying forest of doom. Those trees are scary business.
Fluffy animals to the rescue! They lead her to a humble little cottage, empty and appearing to have been abandoned judging by the dust and cobwebs. Snow does what Snow does best and tidies up the the place with her newfound furry friends and then crashes like you so totes would after cleaning up that disaster. Home come the dwarves to find their house obviously broken into because it's been rudely sanitized and organized. They find Snow and are instantly charmed by her childlike disposition and choose to keep the little lady.
Currently so far the male gender has; left her in the forest to die, and enslaved her for the exact same reason the evil Queen did. She cooks and cleans. But I guess the dwarves aren't mean to her so it's okay? Was the queen even that mean to her? Did they even interact? This is all a bit dodgy.
But really, Snow tends to choose to do the things she does. She didn't have to clean up the cottage but she did. She didn't ever try to escape the cottage so she must've liked it there. And they have a jolly jig party so it's all good in the wood hood.

Then comes the Queen disguised as a gross old hag and once again Snow is too terribly naive to question the things that are happening to her and takes the apple from the scary ancient lady who is obviously bad, and go figure. It's poisoned.
Now enter the missing Prince (where has he been this whole time she's been happy and free for the wooing?? Honestly...) who defeats the hag/Queen, inadvertently serving her to the childhood-scarring vultures who taught us about the Circle of Life before the catchy tune, and then kisses Snow awake to the jubilation's of the dwarves only to swoop her onto horseback and ride off into the merry sunset to....where exactly?
We don't know really.
But she's happy so...I dunno. Cheers.

Time Tally: Roughly a few hours spent in each other's presence.
Benefit of the Doubt: He probably went to a lot of effort to set up that wishing well moment, and he obviously saved her from the endless curse coma, so it's a safe bet that he likes her well enough.
Solid Relationship Scale: 1

Now I get to choose what princess I wanna do next....mwahahahaha!

Princess Parade: Cinderella Style

For continued reference, the start of all this rambling and raving...

Moving on from Ariel and down the line to Cinderella!

Dear ol' Cindy...okay, so dead daddy issues aside, Cinderella is a sweet, kind-natured girl who patiently endures her step-families abuse and finds friends in the birds and mice scattered around the family manor. All Cinderella wants is to go out for a night on the town and wear some fancy clothes and dance for a change. She's been oppressed for so long, however, she never gives her dream a second chance. Until her critter friends whip up a [pretty awful] gown for her and she figures her family couldn't be so cruel as to deny her a simple carriage ride. Turns out not so much.
But simple as bibbidi bobbidi boo, there's a magical Fairy Godmother to the rescue! I don't remember why she shows up or how Cinderella got so lucky (maybe the FG's actually a karma witch?) but she gets an incredibly upgraded gown, a fancy carriage, and super posh horses to pull it and off she goes to the big, fancy dance!
She's totally not even partying it up and just roaming the castle trying to soak it all in when some Prince dude shows up and won't get out of her face till she dances with him.
Which is I guess Cinderella's achilles heel because she's immediately wrapped around his finger and head over heels in love.

"So this is love....MmmmMmm."
NO. Look, she's obviously tragically sheltered and has maybe a male gardener or something as her one example of the opposite sex but COME ON. The dude has said maybe one thing the entire movie and she wasn't even around for it. It's literally mutual love based on,
"Wow you are attractive let's dance into committing our lives to each other."
BUT then they show the two sitting out on a balcony as the clock strikes midnight so obviously they've spent some time chatting. Cinderella's goody-two-shoe tendency kicks in and she books it home leaving behind a bewildered airhead of a prince with only a glass slipper to remember her by.
If she didn't drop any details about her family or where she lives during all those hours of chit chatting then maybe we can assume she doesn't really trust him. She's being realistic and safe by not telling this good-looking hunk stranger every personal detail of her life. She had her one good night of fun, now it's back to a lifetime of child slavery.
But the dude isn't about to give her up. She must have really left an impression on him. He sends his entourage around the kingdom with the shoe because he didn't find it pertinent to have a sketch drawn up. Through a stroke of luck and the tireless efforts of two brave mice, Cindy makes it down the stairs in time to catch her ride back to the castle into the open arms of her savior and a life of ease.
I am of the opinion that Prince Charming doesn't deserve Cinderella but she's a bit of a one-dimensional character anyway and I probably haven't watched that movie in over ten years so whatever.
Next.

Time Tally: less than 24 hours from first meet.
Benefit of the Doubt: I have no idea how long they took planning the wedding so maybe there was plenty more getting-to-knowing and opportunity to back out but they decided to get married anyway. Also, the prince's dad is a decent guy, probably raised his kid well so the Prince has to be at least somewhat decent.
Solid Relationship Scale: 2 out of 10

Oh balls, it's Snow White next, I like her even less.

Princess Parade: Ariel Edition

Seriously though, a friend just posted this photo on my FB timeline...

and I laughed.
And then I bombarded my own self with defenses and complaints regarding Disney's choices in romantic plotlines so now I guess I'm writing a very unorganized essay on the topic.
You're welcome? I'm sorry? I don't know what the proper response here is, but this is happening so buckle in and sit tight.

It's very true that Disney romances blossom quickly. Very quickly. Addressing that photo alone for starters, we have Ariel. Her curious nature brings her face-to-face with the object of her obsessions; humans. One human happens to be obviously talented, dancing and blowing on a pipe of some sort. Not to mention he likes dogs. Any sheltered girl would be smitten. It helps that he's got an attractive face and body.

AND he's modest. Doesn't like being made into a big deal. HAWT.

Grade A first impression, dude. #stampofapproval

Ariel gets a little obsessed but takes her life into her own hands and does what she feels she needs to do to get what she wants. It may seem unhealthy to go and change your entire species for a man but if we look at Ariel's background it's really not that surprising. She's always been obsessed with the world on land and doesn't feel like she fits in with her aquatic lifestyle. It's completely her right to choose where and how she wants to live. 

So the seawitch gives her a downright fine pair of legs (really, that could have gone quite badly if Ursula had thought it through and went with a more vengeful route, maybe there was an attractive leg clause in their contract)

Be grateful, chicky. Those are some real beauts.

So she throws on a quick sail and rope belt (good on you, hun, respect yo' body, cover up the goods) and revels in her newfound human status and enjoys it for a bit.

Hipster Vogue Ariel.

Lo and behold! Pretty boy likes to play on the beach, they meet, she mimes awfully, he helps her valiantly and invites this washed up hot mess to stay in his castle. This guy is a regular samaritan. A very trusting samaritan, but a do-gooder nonetheless.

He feeds her, dresses her, takes her around the town, gives her the beeping Tyra Suite to sleep in, are we really surprised she's in love with him by now?

BUT it has been one, single, solitary day. Imagine uprooting your life, trading fins for legs, getting your chance in your dream world, picked up by the man of your dreams, he takes you out on a legen-waitforit-dary date and you're now set up in the coziest bunk of the entire kingdom (not that you know that....or aren't used to it, if we're really thinking about this, she is a King's daughter after all...). You'd probably fall asleep pretty pleased with yourself and imagine that Pinterest wedding you've got all planned out, regardless of how likely or unlikely it is, lezbehonest.

And then some brunette bombshell comes waltzing in bewitching your man and stealing your Pinterest wedding thunder. Ain't nobody got time for dat. Neither does what's-her-bucket because b**ch is prepared. Before you know it, Dream-boy is floating off on his cruiseliner in a crisp, hotter-than-fish-scales Royal uniform and you've gotta think fast on your newly acquired feet.

She has her moment of despair.

#unrealisticDisneythanksforthat

But then she bucks up, puts on her big fish panties and goes after her guy. Again! Determination is not lost on Ariel. There's a big hooplah with the fact that there's an overweight octopus witch suffering from argyria posing as a smokin' hot Bridezilla and sea creatures go berserk and Eric really handles the big mermaid reveal quite well.

Eric: #wtf

Ariel: le sigh

But he don't give a flying bat fart about her scaly fins, he just wants to melt all our hearts and inflame our loins with one of the hottest rowboat moments to rival Mr. Noah Calhoun.

"I lost her once Grimsby, I'm not about to lose her again!"

#swoon

Nostalgic brownie points for using the same rowboat from the earlier first-date boat ride into the most romantic lagoon infested with flash mob amphibians. He risks life and limb to help Ariel, who is taking care of business like a boss anyhow. She's not afraid to fight back, despite everything that's at stake. But Eric's got a healthy bit of determination as well and is having none of Ursula's crap.

This somehow turned into an Eric fest. Dude has no fear, man.

nope nope nope nope nope.

They save each other, the witch is dead, Daddy gives his blessing and a gorgeous gown, and Ariel has found her place. Annnd it's been two days? Two nights, and basically three days. Not exactly your run of the mill romantic experience. Imagine being a peasant in THAT kingdom, that week. Tragic, fiery shipwreck nearly claims his Royal Highness. Said Prince finds washed up, mute maiden and adopts her. Prince announces marriage to random chick who showed up from nowhere. Major storm and another shipwreck and a seamonster. Prince marries un-muted mute girl the next day. WUT IS HAPPENING.

Time tally: 3 Days (rounding up, #sorrynotsorry)

Benefit of the Doubt: Stalking, dating (boat ride, carriage ride, market visit), dinner, and general kingdom saving give this relationship a 4 out of 10 on the Solid Scale.

Stay Tuned for Cinderella because this got way long so I guess I'm making this a series. What can ya do?