Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Princess Parade: Ariel Edition

Seriously though, a friend just posted this photo on my FB timeline...

and I laughed.
And then I bombarded my own self with defenses and complaints regarding Disney's choices in romantic plotlines so now I guess I'm writing a very unorganized essay on the topic.
You're welcome? I'm sorry? I don't know what the proper response here is, but this is happening so buckle in and sit tight.

It's very true that Disney romances blossom quickly. Very quickly. Addressing that photo alone for starters, we have Ariel. Her curious nature brings her face-to-face with the object of her obsessions; humans. One human happens to be obviously talented, dancing and blowing on a pipe of some sort. Not to mention he likes dogs. Any sheltered girl would be smitten. It helps that he's got an attractive face and body.

AND he's modest. Doesn't like being made into a big deal. HAWT.

Grade A first impression, dude. #stampofapproval
Ariel gets a little obsessed but takes her life into her own hands and does what she feels she needs to do to get what she wants. It may seem unhealthy to go and change your entire species for a man but if we look at Ariel's background it's really not that surprising. She's always been obsessed with the world on land and doesn't feel like she fits in with her aquatic lifestyle. It's completely her right to choose where and how she wants to live. 
So the seawitch gives her a downright fine pair of legs (really, that could have gone quite badly if Ursula had thought it through and went with a more vengeful route, maybe there was an attractive leg clause in their contract)

Be grateful, chicky. Those are some real beauts.
So she throws on a quick sail and rope belt (good on you, hun, respect yo' body, cover up the goods) and revels in her newfound human status and enjoys it for a bit.

Hipster Vogue Ariel.
Lo and behold! Pretty boy likes to play on the beach, they meet, she mimes awfully, he helps her valiantly and invites this washed up hot mess to stay in his castle. This guy is a regular samaritan. A very trusting samaritan, but a do-gooder nonetheless.
He feeds her, dresses her, takes her around the town, gives her the beeping Tyra Suite to sleep in, are we really surprised she's in love with him by now?

BUT it has been one, single, solitary day. Imagine uprooting your life, trading fins for legs, getting your chance in your dream world, picked up by the man of your dreams, he takes you out on a legen-waitforit-dary date and you're now set up in the coziest bunk of the entire kingdom (not that you know that....or aren't used to it, if we're really thinking about this, she is a King's daughter after all...). You'd probably fall asleep pretty pleased with yourself and imagine that Pinterest wedding you've got all planned out, regardless of how likely or unlikely it is, lezbehonest.
And then some brunette bombshell comes waltzing in bewitching your man and stealing your Pinterest wedding thunder. Ain't nobody got time for dat. Neither does what's-her-bucket because b**ch is prepared. Before you know it, Dream-boy is floating off on his cruiseliner in a crisp, hotter-than-fish-scales Royal uniform and you've gotta think fast on your newly acquired feet.
She has her moment of despair.


But then she bucks up, puts on her big fish panties and goes after her guy. Again! Determination is not lost on Ariel. There's a big hooplah with the fact that there's an overweight octopus witch suffering from argyria posing as a smokin' hot Bridezilla and sea creatures go berserk and Eric really handles the big mermaid reveal quite well.

Eric: #wtf
Ariel: le sigh

But he don't give a flying bat fart about her scaly fins, he just wants to melt all our hearts and inflame our loins with one of the hottest rowboat moments to rival Mr. Noah Calhoun.

"I lost her once Grimsby, I'm not about to lose her again!"


Nostalgic brownie points for using the same rowboat from the earlier first-date boat ride into the most romantic lagoon infested with flash mob amphibians. He risks life and limb to help Ariel, who is taking care of business like a boss anyhow. She's not afraid to fight back, despite everything that's at stake. But Eric's got a healthy bit of determination as well and is having none of Ursula's crap.

This somehow turned into an Eric fest. Dude has no fear, man.

nope nope nope nope nope.

They save each other, the witch is dead, Daddy gives his blessing and a gorgeous gown, and Ariel has found her place. Annnd it's been two days? Two nights, and basically three days. Not exactly your run of the mill romantic experience. Imagine being a peasant in THAT kingdom, that week. Tragic, fiery shipwreck nearly claims his Royal Highness. Said Prince finds washed up, mute maiden and adopts her. Prince announces marriage to random chick who showed up from nowhere. Major storm and another shipwreck and a seamonster. Prince marries un-muted mute girl the next day. WUT IS HAPPENING.

Time tally: 3 Days (rounding up, #sorrynotsorry)
Benefit of the Doubt: Stalking, dating (boat ride, carriage ride, market visit), dinner, and general kingdom saving give this relationship a 4 out of 10 on the Solid Scale.

Stay Tuned for Cinderella because this got way long so I guess I'm making this a series. What can ya do?

No comments:

Post a Comment