Does it even matter now?

There are a lot of "good intentions" on the internet these days.
People vomiting their opinions into forums and blogs and articles and comments.
The majority of the time I would say there are genuine good intentions backing most of what people are trying to say. Accompanied with a healthy dose of vanity and narcissism, of course. I mean, who of us doesn't get overly attached to checking our notifications/pageviews when we post something? Of course we want to be validated for exposing a piece of our very souls. There's a lot of vulnerability in the internet.
At least I know I feel that way.

Are you ever reading through something, perhaps shared in your Facebook news feed, that you didn't necessarily jump at the chance to read but rather figured, "why not?"
Does that "why not?" chance ever take you by surprise and ignite a lightbulb in your mind?
I suppose that's what we all, as internet contributors, strive to achieve. That spark of realization in others through words of our own making.
I was just reading through buzzfeed's "Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating" (which is an ironic title in the fact that I haven't reached the 'why' yet and I'm over halfway through the article but all they've talked about so far is women's experiences with food...) and suddenly realized that maybe I had an eating disorder.
A small one, but an unhealthy attitude towards food all the same.
My mom is one of the greatest cooks I've ever known, she's the type that can take a random selection of junk from the fridge and/or pantry and turn it into something more-than-halfway decent, so good meals were never in shortage during my growing up years.
In fact, it was a problem. How good her food was (and is). I often would eat seconds, even thirds, of her delicious meals and lick the plate clean. I can't say I was ever even in danger of being obese, but I definitely was chunkalicious. Although at the time it felt like more. It's only now in my mid-twenties that I even realize how far from "disgusting" and "flabby" I really was.
But it doesn't matter now.
Then, with the cheerleaders in all their voluminous blonde, voluptuous curves and tiny waist glory, I was the freckled walrus shoving unironically-retro glasses up my too-large-for-my-face nose.
With my sporty friends (really, acquaintances, I was too shy for actual friend-making) pumping out their mile runs in P.E. at a seven minute average and me puffing around the school field, contemplating sneaking across the street to die in the neighbor's bushes, I felt worthless.
With the witty bullies, using harsh teases to elicit a response and me hardly being able to form the right words to order what I actually wanted for lunch in the cafeteria without being reduced to gasping for air and wishing to hide in the garbage bins, I felt totally alone.
And even more ironically, none of this is at all their fault.
It was all in my head.
But what does it matter now?
My head was the only place I knew.
If only I could wear the clothes they wear.
If only I could say the things they say.
They seem so happy, they know what's up, I should do what they do.
Sometime in middle school/junior high, I simply decided I wanted to get skinny. I was tired of feeling tubby and I wanted to be happy. The obvious choice was to control what I put into my mouth.
I simply started skipping breakfast.
For a while my mom would attempt to shove waffles and toast and pancakes into my hands before I ran off to catch the bus. She moved on to fruit eventually, bananas or apples, but I remained consistent.
I would not eat before going to school.
It felt good to be so determined. I felt like I was doing a good thing.
When I could feel the gnawing in my stomach, that was the sign that I made the right choice.
This was working.
I could "feel" it working.

This ideology seems horrific now.
Unsurprisingly, I was unable to circumvent my naturally biology and even at my skinniest (and still healthy weight range) I was never "model" material.
For a long time, even my parents praised me for maintaining such a "slim figure". I do not wish to criticize them for that fact, my parents are seriously wonderful people, I wasn't engaging in actually physically harming myself.
Only mentally.
Only psychologically.
It never went so far that I went for days feeling hungry. I thoroughly enjoyed lunch at school. I didn't survive on cheese cubes and celery. I never engaged in anything that would classify me as anorexic or bulimic.
But my sense of self-image was still severely warped.
I denied myself food when I needed it because I liked feeling hungry. Being hungry was my accomplishment.
"If I'm hungry and don't eat, I'm getting skinnier."
Not only is that scientifically false, it's also degrading and entirely the wrong focus a young girl/boy in school (or not in school!) should have.
The thing I felt best about, was my ability to skip breakfast.
My ability to keep myself hungry.
I guess what I'm saying is that disorders and negative thoughts are sneaky. Nobody would speak up for me because, in all honesty, everything I was doing looked fine. I ate good sized, regular meals (in the lunch and dinner category, at least) and just skipped seconds. I never dipped into the "underweight" range of my height and age. All the facts said I was okay. But my motivation and psychological well-being were the culprits.

And literally just mere weeks ago I thought longingly about the days when I could force myself to wait until I felt hungry, wait until that gnawing in my stomach began, and I (pun alert) hungered for that feeling again. I wished I could be that way again.
Reading that buzzfeed article I had a lightbulb moment.
That isn't good.
That isn't healthy.
Do not misunderstand me, feeling hungry is not a bad thing. Reader's Digest has said that fasting for one day a month is good for our metabolism (LDS peeps, ahead of the curve, amiright?). I do believe that using your body's natural cycle of hunger is a good way to monitor weight and general health.
Using that feeling to view yourself as a better person, however, is cheap and entirely too shallow when considering the great capacity and potential we as humans contain.
Hunger should not be an emotional/psychological crutch.

As any regular reader may have surmised, I still struggle to find the healthy balance in my lifestyle. I love food and I genuinely enjoy eating, but my mood and general happiness reaches optimum levels when I'm eating healthily.
Weight is an incredibly personal battle. The range of body types and our own individual reception of our respective body types coincide in a way that makes it impossible to dictate a look that is "correct".
It's not only unfortunate that body-shaming exists, but also that shaming of inward body-shaming exists.
A skinny girl says, "ugh I'm so fat today," and her less-than-skinny friend stews in fury for such an insensitive comment.
I feel guilt blogging about my weight struggles because outwardly, I appear very average. My middle is a little rounder than is "pleasing" and my arms jiggle and my double chins make regular appearances. But I am by no means "FAT".
I am expected to be completely happy with my body because it is not in it's worst possible state.
The skinny girl posting her tasty summer treat on social media is automatically written off as attention seeking because she couldn't possibly be the type that enjoys sugar. Look at her hot-bod! (see the bizarre and distasteful instagram YouDidNotEatThat)
And on the other hand, the deliciously roly-poly girl snarfing on a hotdog most assuredly must be emotional-eating or drowning her obvious sorrows because who could possibly be okay with that body?

Ultimately, what their body shape needs to be depends entirely on the individual living in said body.
Loving that body also depends entirely on them.
Mothers rarely get the shape they want out of their bodies. Yet what is more beautiful than the vessel that literally created life?
There are so many factors in play. Hormones, genetics, circumstances, abilities, even hobbies.
I mean, I'm a pianist (and harpist), I'm a pathological bookworm, and I really love to nap. My hobbies do not include getting up at four in the morning to "pound the pavement" and work up a good sweat. I have to really strive to motivate myself to exercise, and that's always going to be my struggle.
We all have our inward battles, regardless of what our outside looks like, and we all have to fight them. Continuously. I just wish we all could be better at being supportive of each others' struggles.
This isn't a competition.
I shouldn't need to "one-up" your insecurities.

I can't even end this post with a peppy suggestion or sage piece of advice on how to feel good about your body because that would go against everything I've been trying to bring across.
I can't tell you how to feel about your body.
I can only tell you that you're beautiful. However you choose to be, you're beautiful.

You do you.
If you're proud of yourself for getting off the couch, ditching the bag of potato chips, and joining a gym, you instagram the crap out of that. Don't worry about "humble-bragging". Brag about yourself! Feel the accomplishment!
If you feel ugly and tubby when you're bloating, you moan to your girlfriend about it and console yourself with a candy bar. And when that candy bar crops up in your thighs you grab a handful of cellulite and tell yourself it's going to be okay. That chunk of calories doesn't determine your worth.
Your choices do.
Go on a juice cleanse, try out that fad diet, go running, watch Netflix all day long, spoon an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's into your gaping foodhole all by yourself (way to go champ) and do it proudly.
Do it because you chose to.
Don't rely on it to determine your worth.

You are worth much. And it doesn't matter your size.

I'm haven't said anything new here. There are plenty of people who've said the exact same things, and probably said them better. But maybe if enough of us keep saying it, someone who needs to may start believing it.

#ThrowbackThursday Oopsie

Author's Note: Kay, literally, I've edited this stupid post three separate times now. But life keeps getting in the way and then I don't upload it on Thursday, so then I rewrote it for "flashbackfriday" but then we went out of town so I re-rewrote it for the next thursday forgetting that we were leaving early thursday morning for the whole weekend and now I'm just so done with this dumb thing, I will not be re-writing any of it. Good luck with continuity.

Well.

We all knew this was coming.

I did well for three weeks, let's just appreciate that fact for a moment.

...

Yaaay!

Okay here's your next installment of #ThrowbackThursday

a "week late" (see? toldja, three weeks late now) technically

because I suck

and I forgot to do it last week.
The night I was supposed to do it
I was already all cuddled up in bed with my book

and very pressing matters (read: chapters) to attend to.

I have a problem.

It's called Book-Induced Insomnia Syndrome.

Apparently I'm a life-long sufferer.

Look what a pretentious baby I was though,

dat book title, yo.
The Federal Reserve blah-blah-something

Kay, just appreciate for a moment
how much effort it took for me to
get that edit uploaded.
OHMUHGUH.
Technologically impaired right hurr.
Also.
#uglytophatftw
I musta sat on it or something.

Happy Throwback Thursday!
Finally!!

I Do Adult

I did a downright awful job trying to silently enjoy watching Mamrie/Grace/Hannah videos during my lunch break today. I went up into the dark, quiet conference room to further distance myself from the diligent, hardworking folks in the actual office area and thought I was quietly snickering to myself for the most part.
Except for that one bit where I accidentally spat ravioli out onto the glass table because Mamrie said something particularly witty and/or hilarious. As she is wont to do on occasion.
I consistently had to hold my hand over my mouth and cut off the air supply to my nose as well because I could not stop laughing.
These youtubers feel like my friends. (you tuber! #shakesfist)
Which is quite sad really.
But hey they're funny and I like funny people.

When I finally emerged from the dark conference room my single, solitary female coworker (not pertinent to the story whatsoever, gender doesn't matter, just random deets) alerted me to the fact that I was not being as stealthy in my mirth as I had previously imagined.
"Were you watching a funny movie up in there? What was going on??" she asked.
Apparently a couple people grew concerned at the strange noise permeating the office which turned out to be my giggling. Maybe they thought I was crying. Maybe they were convinced an anteater had wormed into our air ducts. I dunno.
In any case, my laughter cannot seem to be contained. Alas.

Also, who wants to help me start a fund to build up the monies so I can buy basically all their Camp Takota merch? Because yaaaaass plz. #dowant

Am I a Monster?

Blogging goal: do this thing. It's a cool thing. I'm gunna do the thing.

Blogging reality: Forget to do the thing. GIFS FOR DISTRACTION!

True story.

In all honesty, I had planned to access blogger from my phone to keep up on this TFiOS (The Fault in Our Stars) "feels fest" while we went camping for the weekend, because on my Top 5 Favorite Activities list "reading by the shoreline" ranks quite high, but turns out cell service doesn't extend to deep canyons hours out of civilization. Go figure.

Also my phone died. Inpermanently of course. Just...no outlets either. 

So I wrote my first feels-explosion before we left town and then the next day I found myself at the end of the book having had a grant total of zero moments where I thought to put it down and write stuff about it so now, three days later, I'll just have to make do with memory.

So!

I finished the book. 

And guys, would you believe it, I didn't shed a single tear. 

But not because I wasn't emotionally invested! Not at all because it wasn't the most beautiful love and life story I have read in a long time. Not in any way due to the fact that I'm a ruined mess on the inside because John Green made the English language seem halfway decent in expressing deep and potent human emotion.

I still don't know why I didn't cry. I've been thinking about it a lot. The simplest way I can explain it is that there wasn't time to be sad for the characters. I literally suddenly found myself flipping the last page and I was at the Q&A exclusive section at the back of the book and I kinda just sat there in a stupefied haze.

I was very quiet and enveloped in my thoughts for the rest of the evening.

I gazed pretentiously at the immense expanse of stars glittering above our campsite considering how far we were from the glow of cities and just thought about the kind of person I've let myself become.

But I never cried. 

I think I felt like crying would have been a disrespect to Hazel and/or Augustus. They didn't want my pity. They didn't need my sadness. 

Logically, I should have cried. I'm openly emotional when it comes to the media I listen to or watch. Throwing cancer (and other assorted dire maladies), animals, or military into the mix is basically just a recipe for disaster in my tear ducts.

But honestly, with The Fault in Our Stars, I only felt...uplifted.

I felt like I had a better capacity to enjoy the life I was given.

John Green talked about how he didn't want to sentimentalize or romanticize any part of the story and I full-heartedly believe he succeeded in that endeavor. I believed these were real people with real struggles having real reactions.

Their grand trip to Amsterdam was perfect, but only because they made it so.

The end for Augustus was horrific and there were no grand speeches, no death-bedside admonitions and professions of undying love, just a sick boy who desperately wanted to be more than "just sick" losing all capacity to make coherent sentences before he died.

Hazel didn't get a grand, last-minute goodbye.

And someday, that will be okay.

I don't know how to explain that those sentiments don't tug tears from my eyes but the death of Sirius Black by a magical curse and slipping into an ethereal void makes me sob like my childhood pet just got run over by a car...that I was driving. (Seriously folks, it wrecks me.)

It is the best book I've read in a long time. Please do not mistake these admissions of tearless-ness to be criticism of the novel itself. I will recommend it to any who will listen and yes you can borrow my copy (only if you sign the waiver, of course). 

#thestruggle

I honestly feel like TFiOS expanded my mind and made me a better, more intelligent and empathetic person. I am glad for people like John Green that can take their life experiences and share it in such a way that my well-being can benefit from it as well.

Huzzah for books.

#deanapprovesthismessage

TFiOS Feels

I have an opportunity here.
One that will likely be unpopular considering the amount of blathering the entire world has already dumped into the internet and beyond dealing with this book.
But I just started it for the first time.
And because I'm a nerd and my favorite subject in school was always English (and Art(s), tied) I cannot vanquish the need to write about the literature I read.
So prepare ye for random updates on the feels that I feel during this reading venture. And just be glad that I don't do this for every book I read because I could write novels [no comment as to the quality of said 'novels'] about The Stormlight Series that Mark and I are on right now I'm legitimately obsessed. In a bad way. And by 'bad' I really mean 'glorious'.

Oh, and like, **Spoilers**. DUH.

Chapter Five, Page 64

Feels Already Felt; I'm pretty sure I never stopped smiling (except for Isaac's meltdown) (except not really because HOW EFFING REALISTIC with Augustus encouraging him and making lighthearted jokes about it but keeping it real but UGGGGHHH so fabulous). I've already laughed out loud multiple times, looking a right fool I'm sure.
And oh my gosh, the thinkings. The thoughts circling my head already. Oblivion, perspective, human tendency, John Green I can't even with you right now.

Also, struggling hardcore with the fact that I want to mark the CRAP out of this book but no way in heaven am I defacing my brand new, fancy "exclusive collector's edition". (Which has zero meaning to me cuz I don't know what qualifies it as "collectible", like, maybe the pretty silver jacket?)* I just feel like I need a double set of every book I own. One to stay in beautiful, pristine, paper-smelling condition and the other to draw in and highlight and scribble notes in and cry on.
Bookworm problems. The struggle is so very real.
Didn't someone come up with translucent post-it notes or something? I need that. I need translucent post-its the size of the book I'm reading cuz lesbihonest, dat shiz is brilliant.

So uhhh, yeah that's how I feel about it so far.
I also need my lunch break to be like, at least two hours longer. Possibly more like seven. Until I'm done basically. Actually, you know what, can I just go home? #todayismyFriday

Effect(s): I already want to be a more optimistic person. Which is bizarre because Hazel is far from optimistic and Augustus is just...I don't know, an optimesstic?
In the other book I'm reading (Words of Radiance) there are also two lead characters, male and female, who go through a buttload of crap, and one embodies pessimism while the other deals through, not necessarily optimism, but cheerfulness. And her cheerfulness makes me feel guilty.
Hazel's realistic views and Augustus' propensity towards bolstering others just really lifts my spirits. Not in a "If they can do it, I can do it" way and more of a "Man the sun is so awesome, look at that sunshine go, driving is fun" way.

64 pages??

I'm also on a book high. I'm keeping a list of the books I'm reading this year and giving quick reviews of them in another blog post that I'll publish at the end of the year but let's just say I'm way over being able to count all of them on my fingers. Aided by the fact that I read the Harry Potter series and finished it before March. So, granted, all the credit may not be reserved for TFiOS. Vague disclaimer, ftw.

*I looked up what makes the Collector's Edition so special. And I was half right. It's partly the fancy cover (which I am all for more steely gray in my life) as well as a nifty Q&A section in the back. And pretty much any words out of John Green's mouth are words I want to hear.

Week of 6/10

Honestly I'm just here to complain.

It's been a another week of diligently refusing treats and goodies and eating small meals and avoiding stuffing my face with carbs and limiting calories and going on walks/bike rides/hikes and YOU GUYS.

I'm still at 170.8

But I am grateful that I'm not gaining. So.

Silver lining.

But really? Seriously?! Meanwhile husband over here just thinks about losing weight and SHABAM. Ten pounds gone. Mumble grumble BAH HUMBUG.

Holy first-world problems, tho. Sorry everybody. Just needed a second to pout in my little corner of the internet here. I started out the year weighing just barely over 174 and it's been months now with only four pounds to show for it? Getting healthy has never been this difficult for me so I'm having trouble adjusting to the struggle. The struggle is so very, very real.
What's a girl gotta do to get some real results up in here?!
Anyway. Complaining done.
Thanks for the listen! Sorry for the annoyance.

#ThrowbackThursday Totes McGoats

No, literally.

Goats.

Getting Ahead of Myself...

I've got babies on my mind. With two close friends already on their second kid (and due by the end of summer) and one friend on the brink of mommyhood (so excited to meet you #babybell!!) I'm thinking a lot about my own future children and how I shall fare with my own Mommy mantle.

This is a list of books that my mom read to me that I will read to my children to compensate for the unfortunate "distressed damsel" psychosis brought upon by the majority of Disney movies because, lezbihonest, I'll enjoy brainwashing watching those just as much as the kids. (Okay, but maybe not the 15th time in a row since 8am, I'm not a sociopath.) I'm not saying that any and every kid raised on Disney movies or the like will grow up to be a whimpering pansy waiting for their Shining Knight (Mulan, Pocahontas, Merida, Tiana, helloooo) but I am saying these books are fab.

--Little House on the Prairie series

• I often feel guilty still when I think about how hard they had to work to live and be good people. Pa and Ma are saints and I just hope to be able to raise my children half as well as the Ingalls' did.
• It isn't until "These Happy, Golden Years" that romance even enters the picture. She's a normal girl having epic adventures wherever she can manage.
• She gets a job extremely young and is incredibly honest about the pros and cons of it. Instilling good work ethic? Yaaaas plzzz.
• The beautiful frienemy-ship Laura has with her siblings. So good.

--Matilda

• Comedic, whimsical, delightful, and traumatizing all in one bizarre little book. I kid you not I made my mom read this book with me probably 3 times a year until I was 10. My saintly mother. We would cuddle up in bed and drink hot cocoa just like Matilda liked to do. After we were finished I would sit on the foot of my bed and strain my eyes till I got a headache trying to produce a facsimile of Matilda's amazing powers. I'm fairly certain my awful eyesight is the fruition of those efforts.
• The amount of questionable mini-lessons like, "encourage anarchy in your school" and "revolt against any and all teachers that don't smother you with kindness" may not be superb, but I dunno I turned out okay. I wasn't rushing to dust my teacher's boxers with itching powder or consistently rebel and get myself stuck in a torture box of horror. But enduring to the end? Family is what/who you make of it? Quirkiness is not to be ashamed of? All are lessons I'd be proud to bestow upon my kids.

--Basically everything Roald Dahl

• That book about the Tortoise....Esio Trot? cuz it's tortoise backwards? I haven't thought about that book in forever but gosh, I loved it. It's like Dr. Seuss level ridiculous but somehow still has actual plot and meaning to it.
• The mind that brought us Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Witches, James and the Giant Peach; if you threw Tim Burton and Dr. Seuss in a blender and baked it in the oven out would come the perfect Roald Dahl pie. (Sorry, I went a little Sweeney Todd there...random)

--Speaking of Dr. Seuss...

• My previous "diss" was less of a "diss" and more of an admission that I'm not smart enough for Seuss-speak. I LOVE the books and will definitely utilize them in building up speech, but when I get to the end of Green Eggs and Ham I'm just hungry. I don't remember feeling like I should be a better human after reading Seuss but it DID whet my creative appetite.
• If I was to obtain only one fault as a parent (HA!) it would be that I will probably just breed creativity. I honestly worry about having carpet in the house because I will want to paint, and sculpt, and glue, and sparkle, and constantly be creating with my kids. Which is obviously not a bad thing, per se. "All things in moderation," right?

--The Secret Garden

• Good golly I hated Mary Lennox. This is another book I wanted to read over, and over, and over. I loved everything about the moor and the manor and the gardens and whats-his-face with all his animal friends. But the whining children spewing their arrogance and entitlement all over everything and everyone is probably what made me determined to actually be a decent human growing up.
  "I will not be like Mary Lennox, I will not be a brat, I won't!"
• Not everybody will always want to share their story with you and you just gotta be nice and let them work it out. You don't know their life, you don't know their circumstances, kill their grump with kindness. You can't go wrong with being nice.
• Gardens. GARDENS. 

--The Poky Little Puppy

• And all those little books with the gold binding? Help me, google!
• Oh, literally, "Little Golden Books". lolz
• These were some of the first I ever started reading aloud and I loved it.

*Honorable Mentions: To be encouraged for personal reading

--Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys/Boxcar Children

--Brian Jacques' Redwall Series

--Series of Unfortunate Events

--Artemis Fowl

--Harry fracking Potter duh.

(Update: 6/24/14)
--Chronicles of Narnia (how could I forget?!)

I'm quickly realizing that this is basically an outline of my evil plan to mold my children into bookworms. And I don't even feel bad.

Because I will read whatever my little human shoves in my lap whether it's Dr. Seuss, Laura Ingalls Wilder, or a knockoff Disney reproduction that includes bogus ending lines such as "Flynn will always love Rapunzel's crown" and then I will pencil in my own ending about love and respect and disregard for material objects because WUT?? (actual quote from a coloring book I bought) (for myself)

And like I said, I will encourage those books but it's not gonna be, like, a required reading list to qualify for Dinner Rights. If they want "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" they can read that (not bashing it! Just have never read them myself so I can't say either way...). If they want comics, they can have comics. What's an appropriate comic book reading age? Like, people get murdered in alleyways, is that really okay for a third grader? I dunno.

This is quickly sliding down the rabbit-hole of "omg am I gonna be an okay parent? Will my children live? How am I going to do this??"

Basically, our house will be littered with books and I hope I can instill a love of reading in my children and help cultivate their imaginations rather than letting t.v. do the job for me. It's so hard to type stuff like this and not worry about someone on the reading end getting offended because they think I'm calling them out as a bad parent.

Literally, if your kid is alive and breathing and is nice to people, that's all the criteria I need to think you're being a good parent. And like, you aren't abusing them. Obvy.

But this is what I mean about "getting ahead of myself". Children are still a ways off; corporate still has to announce the official date for when they're closing down our office.
"Hope! Why don't you just quit now if you're so ready for kids? Motherhood is the most important always."
I know. I was going to quit in May after my anniversary date so I could sell back my vacation hours but then they announced our office was closing and there would be a nice chunk of severance but you have to stay till the close date. Which is currently projected for September. But it's "flexible" so who knows really.
So nobody get their drawers in a twist. This is not an announcement (or rather just an announcement of my battle plans) and we are not expecting.

I just like making lists.

Week of 5/27 (in which we angst a bit)

Thursday, May 29th; Day...meh.
--Are you bored yet? I'm bored with myself. This is the part of weight loss that becomes really difficult to turn into a lifestyle change. "Is this worth it? Do I really want this? What's wrong with a little pizza? I brought a good lunch to work but ugghhh Tacooo Beeellll."
But srsly. If they bring back the Beefy Crunch burrito anytime soon it's gunna be bad news, sister. I don't even like fritos but I will snarf the CRAP out of those things. It's like the worst mix of indulgence with the knowledge that every bite is careening me closer to a swift death.
--Been a bit lax in the exercise department this week. Tuesday I gave myself a break (even though it had just been Memorial Day, I mean come on self, buck up)

It was a good experience though because I noticed a difference in myself. Normally I would gorge on those Doritos until they were near gone and I hated myself but instead I had a few handfuls, rolled up the bag, and stuck it away. But that was also my dinner so...#adulthood
Mark had his dad come over to help diagnose the issue with our downstairs a/c unit that decided it wanted a vacation yesterday (Wednesday) so donning my sports bra and yoga pants and getting all sweaty wasn't high on my to-do in front of my father-in-law.
And those are my excuses! Shutup!
--TMI Warning!

BM's are so much better. Two days in a row is an effing big deal for me (which would be depressing if I wasn't so ecstatic). I would also feel worse about talking about this if most of my known readers weren't already parents (I know, I know, it's different when it's YOUR kids, but honestly aren't you a little blase about poop by now?). In the meantime I'm mostly just "backspace, or not to backspace?"
--Oh another food experience that boosted my confidence in myself. Somebody brought Bosa Donuts into the office this morning and so far in my 23 and 1/2 years of life my only experience with these infamous delicacies has been the crumbling, squashed leftovers that my sweet husband brought home months and months ago from a long day (actually I think it was two days) at his office. So obviously I'm not really counting those. But I had just eaten my breakfast stuff that I brought along with me so I was able to say, "I will wait until later to cave in" because I'm really good at determination. #sarcasm
When the time came that I was ready to cave (right after my half of a burrito for lunch) all that was left was one of those useless unglazed, unsprinkled, unpowdered, unjellied donuts.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN EXIST??
And I was able to walk away sans donut and eat my watermelon slice in the fridge instead because why waste those calories? I think normally my brain would have said, "I'm stressed out, we deserve that donut, yessss, eat it, ssshhhh, it will all be over sooooon..." and I would have complained on Instagram about the lack of milk in this office like a whiner.
Instead I'm feeling just fine and haven't overloaded on unnecessary carbs!
Seriously though if it had glaze or icing or custard or even jelly I probably would have had it. So I'm not as awesome as I sound. I basically turned down sweet choke-bread. Woo-hoo go me.

It felt like a big step though, okay?

Friday, May 30th; Day OMGIGIVEUP

--Today did not start off well. It was a bad number morning. And like, not even that bad but I was brushing my teeth and thinking, "hmm, I think I did really well maybe it will be good news!"
It wasn't.
Despite exercising and forgoing donuts and eating watermelon slices and single hardboiled eggs as meal supplements for dayyyzzz I'm back up 2 whole pounds from my last weigh in.
Which could very well be bloating.
But it is so incredibly discouraging. From the beginning of the year until now I've only fluctuated within 5 lbs from my original start weight. I even went beyond that weight which is why I really kicked myself into gear a few weeks ago and started this blog-logging. (redundant much?)
Basically I'm frustrated. I'm slumped in a mucky rut of frustration.
And I haven't gone grocery shopping so meal prep is no-fun-times.
Whining McWhinerson here!
And I think I want kids, HAH.
--Rationally, I'm aware that there are most likely extenuating factors contributing to this weight gain and that my mirror-induced-hopes are probably not in vain because hello muscle gain.
But I'm quickly losing my ability to be rational no matter my efforts. Thanks uterus.
--Back to whining, BASICALLY I feel like I've been stuck around 175 for sooo loooong eating whatever junk I wanted to and living pretty sedentarilly (not a real word #yolo) but I wasn't getting any worse. So shrug, it was okay! But now I'm fo realz trying really hard and I'm going nowhere fast. NOWHERE. I've been glaring at that blasted 7 for so effing long I feel like it's my conjoined twin and we share a heart so I can never be removed of it. Y'know, without becoming a "heartless" monster. (ba-dum-tss)
And I knooooow, 175 isn't a horrid weight. I should be grateful.
But that's the other half of this equation.
It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I can't vent about the things that are "giving me grief" in my own life because I'm worried about offending someone else or giving the impression that I'm ungrateful for my circumstances or don't realize how lucky I am.
Just sometimes...I feel fat.
Regardless of who I know or how educated I am on BMI or how many "weight vs. height" obesity graphs I've memorized, I just. feel. fat.
I feel gross and unattractive and like a large, disgusting, human balloon. Except the balloon is old and deflated and stretched out and smells like saliva. (I don't smell like saliva, just...the metaphor... #descriptivewritingishaaaaard)
But it's hard to face those feelings and work through them and come out the other side feeling confident and okay with where I'm at and okay with the steps I'm taking to fix myself when I can't admit to having those feelings in the first place for fear of social retribution.
And like, you guys are nice! I like you people! I don't know why I'm so afraid of you yelling at me because I think I'm fat...sometimes.

Not sometimes I'm afraid but I only really, legitimately sometimes rag on myself for being heavier than I think I should at this point in my life. Heavier than I want to be, mostly.

Sigh.

Oh, I guess we're done emotionally vomiting now all over this public space. Yeah? Cool.

Actually one last disclaimer: Words of encouragement are appreciated, if you feel so inclined, but I have my weight loss plan and I've been on it for almost a month now and I'm sticking through this rough patch so please don't bombard me with tips and tricks and ask me to join your body building/cross fit/oil wrapping group because I will feel really awkward about it and agonize over how to turn it down without hurting your feelings and probably end up sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it altogether and then both of us will be sad and I really don't want that.
Please still be my friend though.

Monday, June 2; days and things

--That weekend flew by.
--The struggle is so very real.
--I've already had a cup of hot cocoa and a krispy kreme donut today and I have a grand total of zero delusions that I will be able to resist a second one after an appropriate amount of time waiting for everyone else to get at the box. You snooze, you lose. #allisfairinloveanddonuts (love and donuts, they're the same thing, right?)

--Weight is the same. As ever.
--BUT! I measured myself again and so far I've lost a total of two inches in bust (/sob) and three in waist! Really excited about that. Hips just as wide as ever.
--It's supposed to be bleepin' hot today so a bike ride after work is definitely on the slate. Plus our tv room is a bit occupied so Taebo is less of an ideal idea.

This fort was the best idea. We watched a movie, and played cards, and did 20 Questions; Animal Style also-unlimited-questions-style-because-reasons. And stayed up till almost eleven. On a work night! /legasp
Even Odin joined in on the fun but it was too dark to get a good picture. It was rather a "Camel in the Tent" experience.
As an effect of staying up till eleven, the fort still remains currently standing because we're not nearly adult enough to clean up after ourselves in a timely manner.
What iz dis, real life?! Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
It'll come down today, tho. Probably. Maybe. Or perhaps I'll eat popcorn and watch series three of Sherlock on Netflix. Finally.
There's laundry to fold. That's enough adult for one day.

#ThrowbackThursday Barrow Baby

nomnom Minerals

Honestly I love my parents for this shot.
Great idea #1: Clothes? Babies don't need clothes. Clothes are for flesh blobs
that are capable of not spitting up all over themselves.
Great idea #2: Let's put the baby in this obviously rusting and falling apart dirt mound transporter.
Great idea #3: Awwww it's eating dirt. Capture the moment.

Thank you Mom & Dad,
for not treating me like a china doll.

Memorial Day '14

A paid day off from work that doesn't take up my vacation hours is automatically hoisted to the top of my list of favorite days. A holiday that encourages barbecuing, lake trips, and being grateful for our freedoms garnered from the sacrifices of our military only sweetens the deal.
Speaking of military, thanks Grandpa!

And thank you Aunt Leslie for the sweet photo :)
Love and miss my sweet Grandpa.

A little after 9am on Monday we hauled out with our cooler of tasty foods and drinks, headed to our local walmart to buy a couple bags of ice and a load of bottled water, and set out along highway 88 to get out to Apache lake. Our original plan was to hang out at Butcher Jones but we've had bad experiences with the leeches (and the drunk peeps) at that location so we figured there was nothing to lose spending the extra hour to get out where it would be less crowded and less infested with blood sucking parasites.
We went out by ourselves. No group of friends tagging along, no family with boats, just ourselves, a lawn chair, and goggles for entertainment.
Those goggles saved the day.
We parked at the marina and just hung out along the shore by the docks. I started out with an invigorating swim around the 'no wake' buoy and when I got back Mark was grinning widely and said, "Yep. This is my new hobby," holding out his hand to give me something.
Feeling very wary I held out my hand in response and he dropped a soaking wet but neat and whole $5 bill into my hand. Which he'd found. On the lake bottom.
We spent a good four hours combing the mucky floor of the lake, occasionally resting to eat something and my heart swelled to see my husband grinning like a little boy and paddling over to grab me in a big hug saying, "This is the most fun I've had in a long time. Great idea honey!"
We recovered a multitude of sunglasses (some in decent shape, others not), two golf balls, a hair clip and decorative flower, bits of metal and plastic piping, an extremely grimy snorkel tube, a snorkel mask that must not have been under very long for how clean it was, the grand prize $5 bill and a pristine pocket knife that Mark was very excited to find.

When we weren't scavenging under the water (and running face first into fish the size of our arms) (terrifying) we snacked on sliced watermelon, corn on the cob, and veggie wraps. Our one unfortunate circumstance was that in being so close to the Marina and stuck to the shore, we were in the forced company of some very drunk, very profane "youths". But we managed to lay in the soft sand on our towels reading or just sunbathing (having just slathered on another layer of sunscreen to our pasty white bodies, of course) and have a really good time regardless.

We're especially looking forward now to our next Apache trip coming up in a couple weeks with Mark's dad and extended family from Tucson. You can bet we'll have more "sunken treasures" after hangin' out all weekend!

We decided to take the back road out rather than going back the way we came in because it was a slightly shorter distance and our exhaust pipe was precariously hanging off the back, having lost a bolt amid all the jostling and jolting of the dirt roads. We had a safe and easy ride back into the valley but were startled when we found that Bush Hwy was currently closed off. We had been planning on going home to feed the dog and freshen up a bit before stopping by Mark's mom's for a quick hello and well-wishing but with Bush Hwy closed and the 87 taking us well into the middle of Mesa, we decided we had to just stop by my mother-in-law's as is.
"Lake Urchin" is not the hottest trend this season, but it's all we had to work with.
We made it home before 9, watched the grand prize finale of America's Funniest Home Videos and made it to bed around 10.
Not a bad 12 hour day. Not bad at all.

Hope your Memorial Day was as fun-and-family-filled as ours.

Here we are looking high off of all the fun.

We can't all be photogenic.

Week of 5/20

Tuesday, May 20th; Day 8

--I'm kicking myself for not getting up early to exercise this morning. I wanted to sleep in and now I feel...just kinda sludgy. That's the only word I can come up with for it. The thought of BBQ tonight at the Mills' is pretty much the only thing keeping me from crawling under my desk to take a nap and hide from the world. Hot dogs, burgers, watermelon, and corn on the cob, it is summer for sure and I couldn't be happier about it. Not to mention I just bought a new swimming suit (a very different style for me, and an online purchase, crossing my fingers but leaning on the return policy if it all goes haywire) that should be here before our lake trip coming up in June. Last year was a complete and total blast but we had just bought our gopro and we had "calibrated" it wrong so it didn't save like it's supposed to and we lost a lot of the pictures and videos we took. Cool underwater shots and even a video as I went cliff jumping, so I'm looking forward to a second chance with all that.
This bullet point got huge. Apologies. I just love summer, okay?
--Oh my gosh my point. So we're hanging out with friends for dinner so exercising tonight may not be easily accomplished. Since it's a work night, we'll probably try to head home earlier and I want to try to do the 20 minute Flex, just to get something in. Dunno how I'm going to resist multiple hot dogs and potato chips and root beer floats. Oh, mama...
(update: Flex didn't happen. We're bums.)
--Another bit of TMI, but either this dieting and exercising is starting to help my complexion or I'm about to start my period. I'm not scheduled till the very beginning of June so this would be shockingly early but it's my usual MO. For a couple days prior I get this blessed lull in breakouts and I feel great and then all hell breaks loose on my face for the next 3-4 weeks, slamming my euphoria into disappointment and humiliation. Boo.
--This has nothing to do with the fitness but all to do with the adultness, I've been doing really well with keeping up on the dishes. Mark absolutely loathes dishes but we like to cook so sink-overload is pretty much the norm. I should also remember the feeling of accomplishment I get as I come down the stairs in the morning and see the pretty vacuum lines in the carpet. And the fact that I weeded and trimmed our front landscaping and swept afterwards so the walking stones/sidewalk were clear.
But then I start to feel rather how Hyperbole and a Half so eloquently put into this nifty chart (with brief salty language, apologies);

(via)

In fact, that whole post is very nearly my life. Minus all the f-bombs and cursings.

Wednesday, May 21; Day 9

--Guyyyyysss...I fell off the wagon. No, I took a running leap off the wagon. And unfortunately the wagon was precariously perched at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and even further unfortunately, I do not have the gift of flight. 

I did a horrible job resisting the food at the get-together last night. I think the only way to pay penance to the dieting gods is to adequately shame myself by admitting my sins; not one but two hot dogs, one hamburger (no cheese but only cuz I forgot about cheese, I was in so much haste to stuff my face how do you forget cheese I am shamed), far too many jalapeno pringles, like, three helpings of beans, a single heavenly root beer float, and a glass of soda.

As payment for my transgressions, I am up 5 pounds on the scale from sunday.

It is a dark and dismal morning in the house of Douglass.

<hyperbole>

I also didn't help myself by completely spacing that we were going to a party that night and I ate the rest of the pasta leftovers for lunch that I'd brought to work earlier that week.

So NOM NOM OMG ALL THE CARBS.

I'm so good at this.

--Today I'm eating a cup of applesauce for breakfast, cantaloupe wedges for snacks, and a cup of leftover baked beans and a hardboiled egg for lunch, and probably chicken and veggies for dinner. 

--Mark bought a bike yesterday so today will be our first ride! More on that later when it has actually happened.

--^It happened. For our first venture out on the bikes we decided to ride 3 miles to walmart, there and back, to buy helmets and a dog leash for Odin. Not even out of our neighborhood we both realized that the minuscule, narrow seats would not be sticking around long and our bruised bums can attest to that. We stopped by Panda Express to share a 2-entree plate and picked the less fried and more veggie-laden options. Mark fixed up both our bikes once we got home with our new seats. A quick trial spin was enough to know we made the right decision. 

--I weighed myself at the end of the day today and I'm back down 2 pounds after my 5lb spike from last night so wheeeee! We're on a roller coaster, it would seem.

Friday, May 23rd; Day 11

--The delicious fiasco from Tuesday has officially been dealt with. I'm back to where I was before all the hot dogs and baked beans smothered me with their siren song. Now I just have to get through this 3-day weekend without stuffing my face again. Luckily we don't really have any over-the-top plans, we may just bbq at our own house then skip town to the lake for all of Monday. The less I have to resist the better.
--I'm nailing down a night-time routine as far as skin care and I am seeing major improvement in the facial region. Whether it be the "eating clean", exercising, or just general hygiene, something is working. Crossing my fingers that it'll stick around.
--Mark and I are riding our bikes basically anywhere within 5 miles that we won't have bags and bags of stuff to bring home (cough-cough-groceries) and it's actually really nice. I think I could be very happy living in some remote town where cars aren't used much and everybody just bikes around like some weird cycling flock of hippies. But for now Mesatown is okay, I guess.

Tuesday, May 27th; Day 15

--Technically today is part of the next week but yesterday was exhausting and we didn't get home till about 9pm and I just wanted a bath and my bed. So I'm finishing out last week on the first day of this week. #timewarp
--We did so good! Memorial weekend could have ruined us but it went fabulously. We had friends over on Saturday and we had steak, chicken, corn on the cob, watermelon, and popsicles. It was a perfect example that it's possible to hang out with friends and not completely ruin any dieting efforts.
On Monday we waited till 9 am for Mark to be released from his on-call week at work and we packed up the truck and headed out to the lake! We took tortillas with peanut butter and honey for him (I can't stand it, blech) and sliced leftover steak/chicken and sauteed veggies for me. There was leftover corn and watermelon from Saturday that we hauled along as well. It was plenty of food and we felt good eating it rather than having chips and soda and heavy processed foods. It took a little bit of prep, but really not much in the scheme of things.
I'll post a separate post about the day of, cuz we had a pretty rockin' Memorial Day.
--I'm sleeping "better" but my dreams have taken a bit of a horrific turn lately. Curious to know if that's because of the way I'm eating or just a particularly stressful period of life. Not sure.
--Skin is still on the mend.
--Water is my best friend.
--Hopefully this next week I can break through my current plateau. If I could not be staring at that dreaded 7 any longer I would be most grateful.

#ThrowbackThursday Toting Mermaids

All of a sudden (and against my will) my Thursday evenings have become dull and meaningless.

In the un-melodramatic version of life, that means I don't have choir practice anymore.
Sad panda is sad.

So now I need to fill the void that is empty Thursday evenings and I figured what better way than hopping on the perpetual social media bandwagon and engage in some Throwbacks for the summer!
[fake enthusiasm]
Just...humor me. I'm depressed. /pout (refer to panda photo)
We will just have to deal with the pictures on my laptop from our wedding slideshow until the inevitable time comes when I get that guilt-tripping riddled text from my mom that reads between the lines saying, "I HAVE LOVED YOU ALL THESE YEARS--IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS APPRECIATE ME," and then we go over for dinner and she feeds us enough for three days and I leave with more guilt than before AND a memory stick full of other pictures garnered from my parents computers. But also an inordinate amount of feeling loved. Moms are the best.
(oh, did Mother's Day just happen?? #hangover)
So without further ado; the first installment of Hope's awkward beginnings as a human!!

No, not that, obviously, that's just...moving on.

I was just talking about my mom so it's only fitting, really.

Isn't she beautiful?

And I have a hat.

Maybe someday I'll have her grace and poise and effortless loveliness.

The plan is that I will just post these pictures without much trumpetings and talking (unlike this post so, good start!) to just....enlighten you generous folks on how gloriously far I've come. Seriously, human development is hard business, yo. I like to think I'm comfortable with where I'm at now but that's been a recent period of enlightenment. And by enlightenment I really mean general apathy as to the carings of others. 'Others' being the apparent haters. Cuz my family and close friends seem to wanna keep me around and that's all that matters.

"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." 

You done been Seuss'd.

Kung Pao Stir Fry

I am not a cooking blog, I'm a blabbing blog. So this is going to be a hot mess of garbled instructions and "this is what we did but do it how you want" vagueness.
Funnily enough, I had nothing to do with this cooking venture but I will reap the blogging rewards from the success of it. Plus Jacquie wanted the recipe.
And I'm a giver.
Without further ado, the recipe for Kung Pao Stir Fry from the kitchen of Sir Frys-a-lot himself.

Ingredients:

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts (chopped into bitesize pieces or strips)

Carrots, celery, green cabbage,

 red bell pepper, yellow onion, green onion, mushroom 

(all chopped into, again, bite size pieces)

Shelled and lightly salted peanuts

Soy Sauce

Chili Sauce 

(we just used packets from Panda Express xD)

White Vinegar

Water and Cornstarch paste

(like, a tsp of cornstarch and a Tb of water)

Optional* For added sweetness: Orange Marmalade

Ginger

Chili Powder

Cayenne Pepper

Szechuan Peppercorn Powder

Fennel

Literally, throw the chicken, nuts, and veggies in a large saucepan.

Dump the liquids on it and sautee until veggies are soft.

Season to taste.

I honestly can't tell you what amounts,

Mark just kinda throws stuff in willy-nilly and it turns out okay.

Stir fry is so nice because it's one "pot" and so easy and good for you!

We had it plain but it would be so tasty over steamed rice or noodles.

Enjoy!

Week of 5/13

Friday, May 16th; Day 4

--It's far too early to pat myself on the back but for the last three days I have successfully completed a dvd routine of Taebo. I bought a three disc set that came on Tuesday and promptly started that night. The set includes a Cardio, Flex, and Flex express routine. Cardio is basically the same "moves" as Flex, only you don't clench and hold the punches/kicks like in Flex. And Flex express is just a 20 minute routine rather than 40 for those days when you just don't quite have the time.
--My favorite part of Taebo has always been that it, to me, is practical exercise. I'm being active and I'm learning self-defense in the process. Heaven forbid, but if I'm ever attacked I feel like I now have a higher chance of being able to kick my body into gear and fight back because I have muscle memory of roundhouse kicks, uppercuts, and right/left hooks. Although I'd probably break my wrist because my form is terrible. Not to mention it's not bulking exercise but rather toning. Which is what I need. #flabfest
--So far I have noticed feeling more ready for sleep when I lay down at night. This week, two of the three routines were completed right before getting in bed (but not without a good rinsing in the shower first, ew) and I think I sleep better when I do that. Which is huge.
--My hunger hasn't changed. I'm continuing to use juices for light meals and having chicken or fish and vegetables for dinner. Soups for lunch when I wanna switch it up. We kind of surprised ourselves, we accidentally haven't had bread for probably over a month now. I don't remember the last time I bought a loaf. We didn't sit down and decide, "Okay we're going off bread" it just kind of happened, so that's why I say "accidentally".
--Since it's only been a couple days, weight loss has been minimal. But! Two nights I sinfully indulged in desserts because of events (leftovers brought home from Mark's Tech Fest and then a Relief Society activity) yet I still continued to lose weight rather than gain. I'll take it! And it wasn't like, a small cupcake, Mark brought home chocolate souffle and vanilla ice cream (which we shared) and at the RS fiesta they had churro truffles (only ate one!) and fried ice cream.
--It may just be psychological but I think I see a difference in my face. It seems more well-defined and slimmer before I put on makeup. Although we've been eating clean for a couple weeks now and I've been keeping up with hydration like a water machine for months now and unfortunately it hasn't made much of a difference in my complexion. So that's discouraging. But I'm glad to no longer be perpetuating the problem with poor eating habits.
--TMI but my BM's are slowly getting better. It's been...clogged up for awhile so this is a glorious step that I'm hoping continues.

Mark has taken to doing the exercises with me and we both are benefiting incredibly from it. Emotionally and psychologically. Exercising together is bonding us as a couple and every time we've had a nice conversation afterward about how good we feel and how glad we are that we're actively doing something about our weight goals. We both just cross our fingers that we can continue to be motivated to stick with it and get some real results!
Oh, speaking of Tech Fest. In addition to his "swag bag" they also have I guess bowls of candy bars at the different stations/booths/whatever and I sat on the floor having just sweated out the cardio routine as he pulled chocolate bar after chocolate bar out of his backpack and dumped them on the floor. He brought home probably twenty or so assorted snickers, twix, milky way, and kit kat bars.
/facepalm
We promptly stashed them in boxes and put them in the fridge, agreeing to only indulge in them as a reward every time we lose five pounds. I can do hard things.

Monday, May 19th; Day 7

Well we did so good and then I blogged about it and jinxed us. Curses.
--Friday, Saturday, and Sunday went by without much exercising. We meant to bike to dinner with friends on Friday but Mark was unable to find a craigslist listing that would either get back to us or work for our budget. Although I nearly permanently curved my back from all the sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming I did on Saturday. We did however go for a nice long walk with Odin on Sunday.
--My hunger is growing. I am struggling with the urge to gorge myself when I do eat, but I always feel better about it when I resist. I've found that it's helpful to elongate my eating time by taking forever with my food so I feel like I'm getting more. Woot psychology.
--I'm still losing, despite my poor exercising. Excruciatingly slow, but losing ounces is still losing.
--Yardwork is gunna hafta cut it as exercise for today. But yanking out weeds and trimming bougainvillea is not a sweat-less task so I'm not gunna feel bad about it.
--It would appear (according to my measurements) that I have lost a couple inches in the bust (sad face) and an inch or so in the waist. Not much in the hips. So that feels good to the psyche, whether or not I can visually see a difference. The numbers don't lie.

Is this what being a real life adult is like? Before, I had the excuse that I was deliberately not facing my chores and that's why I didn't have the time to do the dishes or fold the laundry. It's because I was binge watching Sherlock, or ANTM reruns. But now I'm legitimately trying and I'm gunna be honest, it's exhausting. In a good way! I actually don't miss the tv as much as I thought I might and I really enjoy my shows when I can get to them, rather than just feeling lazy and sluggish.
But at the same time, even without being hooked to the projector, I'm still gutted for time. Oof. Growing up is hard business, yo.
This has been a long time coming. Don't be thinking I just woke up last monday and thought, "Maybe I should try eating better and doing my chores and being an actual adult."

"Do you think she woke up one morning and said: 'I think I'll go to law school today'?"

It's really hard (and I'm not even in law school). We've been those stereotypical New-Years'-Resolutioners and made all these plans at the beginning of the year and it's taken till now to really kick into gear. There have been slips and tumbles (MANY of them) and there will definitely be more. 

Week one down, lifestyle change to go!

Thrifting Tips

I often brag about share the items I save on when I go thrift shopping so I figured it was high time to share my suggestions and advice. It's mostly a bunch of common sense mumbo-jumbo. I normally stick with Goodwill stores so I'll be catering these tips to that chain.

--Obviously, troll the half-off Saturdays. I can hardly bring myself to shop there on any other day.

--Be open-minded about what you may find there. Sometimes I go with a list in mind, but usually I just mosey around and let the options remind me of what I "need".

--^which leads to the tough decisions. I don't hafta tell ya that just wandering around a store and dumping whatever strikes your fancy into a cart is not a great plan for frugality. If I'm not immediately in love with it, it's not coming home with me.

--Unless there's something I specifically came and need to go searching for, I will just start at one point in the store and make my way around the entire place. Though I usually skip over the clothes because there are just so many. That's another shopping trip altogether. So be ready for a long morning/afternoon of standing. This also encourages me to only skim over all the junk, putting only the things that really grab my attention in the cart. 

--If you're on a tight budget, don't get a cart. Duh.

(this cart is being shared with Ali, double the fun, don't judge me!)

--Always try on the clothes. If the line for the dressing rooms is long enough to dissuade you, the clothes aren't worth your time, therefore, you don't need them.

--Also take a minute to inspect the clothes. Look over the seams, hold it at arms length to spy for stains, try out the zippers and buttons, make sure it's all in working order.

--Again, in the dressing room, if you put it on and don't immediately love it or envision yourself wearing it in daily life, then you probably don't need to spend the money on it. Even the $2 it may be. 

--After you've filled your cart and had your go around the store, take a minute to run over your newly acquired treasures and cut ties with the crap. By now you're probably getting tired and you've been mingling with the entertaining and oft not-as-entertaining company of your local goodwill for nigh an hour and you're thinking fondly of your couch at home and maybe a tall, icy cold dirty Dr. Pepper. You'll be much more likely then, to put back that porcelain cat with the chinese markings painted all over it that would look mighty perty in your guest bathroom. It's the magic of Goodwill. Junk turns into treasure. 

Sometimes it's not, though.

--Considering thrift stores and their constantly revolving stock, the best way to find the best stuff...is to go often. And different locations.

Honestly, the only reason I end up with so much stuff for so cheap is because I go often and I really look. It's a legitimate treasure hunt and you gotta dig through the monotonous to find the special. Diamond in the rough, so to speak. Most often I blame it on luck, though.
Last month I was there with Ali and next to the children's clothes was a stack of stuffed animals, which I would normally never touch because 1) ew and 2) no children. But that day there was a pristine Easter model Thumper with the official Disney Store stamp on his foot and he was like, $1.50 I think (identical on ebay for $20) so /shrug. I just happened to get to it first. It's the name of the thrift game.

I realize "skim the junk!" and "really look" are two contradicting statements but it is possible to do both. It's the trick of finding the balance between spending half an hour studying the shoe rack and checking behind that ugly, scratched up plastic water pitcher to find the perfect teacup to fulfill your Pinterest DIY succulent planter dreams.
Also, do not for a second think that I did not spend probably five full minutes debating that cat clock framed picture creation. The closeness to Umbridge decor tugged at my nerdy strings as well as the whimsical. But that's what I'm talking about when I say "tough decisions". It's an inner battle of epic proportions.

Happy Thrifting!

*--Bonus tip for making it this far through the post! "My" goodwill, the one closest to my house, is without a doubt priced by a rabid monkey wielding a price sticker stamper because it is the most inconsistent, illogical pricing I have ever seen of any of the Goodwills in the valley. But it works to the consumer's favor because usually it's way cheaper than it needed to be. So...if you can make the drive, shop the AJ Goodwill (apache trail and signal butte). You're welcome.

Frantic Friday Lunch Hour

So lunch was interesting.

Mark and I are currently "shopping" for bikes and found a nice his/hers set on craigslist this morning. Mark worked from home today and tried getting hold of the owners. They were home all day and we could go see the bikes anytime! So we planned that Mark would take the van to come pick me up at work so we could go look at them together and I could try out sitting on the bike.
A few minutes before my lunch normally starts I got this phone call;

"I'm in the parking lot at Desert Schools and....the van just died. Won't start."

He promised he'd call me if he needed me and we hung up.
I figured I may as well take my lunch to keep the office schedule on track rather than try and wait out the van situation. So I began heating up my soup in the microwave.
But then I got this call;

"Yeahhh, can you come get me?"

So I stuck the half-warmed soup back in the fridge and let my boss know I was off to rescue my dashing knight (not quite in those exact words) and hopped in my blazing car. I took the wrong way out because I forgot which North/South street the bank is on (sorry, credit union) and ended up stuck at a broken intersection light being conducted by a policeman.
As I was stopped there I got this call;

"Actually, can you go home and get the code reader?"
"Yeah, where is it?"
"On the table just inside the front door."
"Okay!"

To avoid reentering the clogged intersection, I had to take a bizarre awkward route to get onto the freeway and head back home.
A mile from our exit I got this call;

"It lives! Must've been an issue in the electrical, just go back to work--wait, no continue home to get the...no! I'll see you at your work! Yes!"

I went ahead and took our exit but just turned right over the overpass and got back on the freeway and went back to work, again avoiding the intersection with the broken stoplights.
Finally I met up with my sweet husband and our hot van with the broken a/c and he had generously saved me a bite of the steak he had carefully prepared for his lunch at home.
It was delicious. And I hadn't been able to eat my soup yet so it was extra delicious.
We headed down to the craigslister's location even though he had alerted them that our transportation was compromised and would need to do it later. We sent a text and called to try and let them know we were still coming but heard no word until we were almost there.
Only we weren't paying much attention and completely passed the neighborhood.
Mark pulled some fancy u-turn maneuvering and we were at the house in the next couple minutes.
I stayed with the van out front so we wouldn't have to turn it off and risk being really stranded and they were kind enough to bring the bikes to the front of the house. The "male" bike wasn't quite what Mark had in mind so he passed on it but I liked the other bike so we talked the price down $5 and bought it. (I've named her Regina.)
Mark dropped me off right as my "lunch" hour was ending and I went inside to get him a drink of water from our cooler.
I heated up my soup once again and had a couple bites until one co-worker offered me the other 6-inch half of her turkey on wheat sub from subway that she wasn't going to eat. I couldn't let such a specimen go to waste.

So the soup's back in the fridge again and my tummy is quite happy. Plus I have a cool bike waiting for me at home.

Today's being so weird.

Ready

The other day in the May photo-a-day challenge the prompt was "Ready" and I chose to go with a "ready for Summer" vibe.

Other than the slightly serial killer vibe my eyes seem to be giving, I felt very summery that day.
And I am so very ready for summertime.
We kinda jumped the gun just a tad last weekend and tried to have a pool party but the water was still a little frigid. Poor baby Rori's tiny lips were purple and her whole body trembled but she paid no mind and strove to jump out of the arms of whoever was holding her and take on her true form of mermaid. Honestly, that little tyke was taking huge breaths, diving out of our safeholds and she hardly knows how to swim yet. Somebody's ready for some lessons!

I'm ready for lake days and popsicles.
Bike rides and watermelon and sunscreen.
Family reunions, camping trips, s'mores, and stargazing.
Lemonades until my lips pucker up and fall off. (ew)
Reading books out on the shore.
Searching for that perfect skippable rock...and handing it off to my husband because I have completely lost the ability to skip and I hate wasting good rocks on practice.
I'm so excited to test out the waters with Odin and see how he does. Maybe he'll love it, maybe he'll hate it.

I love those floppy ears and concerned eyebrows. Silly Odin.

Last year we were in Okoboji....no! That was two summers ago. [great lamentings and gnashing of teeth] Oh, I miss okoboji summers.

Spending all day erry day out on the docks...

Imaginations run wild...

Boat rides to the amusement park...

NUTTY BARS...(they make ya kinda nutty)

And all the fishing you could ever desire...

I have great love in my heart for Lake Okoboji.
Most of my best summers were spent there.
I legitimately had a point when I started out talking about Okoboji...and then got distracted. Majorly.

Who's up for summer?!
Hope is. Hope really, really is.