Week of 5/27 (in which we angst a bit)

Thursday, May 29th; Day...meh.
--Are you bored yet? I'm bored with myself. This is the part of weight loss that becomes really difficult to turn into a lifestyle change. "Is this worth it? Do I really want this? What's wrong with a little pizza? I brought a good lunch to work but ugghhh Tacooo Beeellll."
But srsly. If they bring back the Beefy Crunch burrito anytime soon it's gunna be bad news, sister. I don't even like fritos but I will snarf the CRAP out of those things. It's like the worst mix of indulgence with the knowledge that every bite is careening me closer to a swift death.
--Been a bit lax in the exercise department this week. Tuesday I gave myself a break (even though it had just been Memorial Day, I mean come on self, buck up)

It was a good experience though because I noticed a difference in myself. Normally I would gorge on those Doritos until they were near gone and I hated myself but instead I had a few handfuls, rolled up the bag, and stuck it away. But that was also my dinner so...#adulthood
Mark had his dad come over to help diagnose the issue with our downstairs a/c unit that decided it wanted a vacation yesterday (Wednesday) so donning my sports bra and yoga pants and getting all sweaty wasn't high on my to-do in front of my father-in-law.
And those are my excuses! Shutup!
--TMI Warning!

BM's are so much better. Two days in a row is an effing big deal for me (which would be depressing if I wasn't so ecstatic). I would also feel worse about talking about this if most of my known readers weren't already parents (I know, I know, it's different when it's YOUR kids, but honestly aren't you a little blase about poop by now?). In the meantime I'm mostly just "backspace, or not to backspace?"
--Oh another food experience that boosted my confidence in myself. Somebody brought Bosa Donuts into the office this morning and so far in my 23 and 1/2 years of life my only experience with these infamous delicacies has been the crumbling, squashed leftovers that my sweet husband brought home months and months ago from a long day (actually I think it was two days) at his office. So obviously I'm not really counting those. But I had just eaten my breakfast stuff that I brought along with me so I was able to say, "I will wait until later to cave in" because I'm really good at determination. #sarcasm
When the time came that I was ready to cave (right after my half of a burrito for lunch) all that was left was one of those useless unglazed, unsprinkled, unpowdered, unjellied donuts.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN EXIST??
And I was able to walk away sans donut and eat my watermelon slice in the fridge instead because why waste those calories? I think normally my brain would have said, "I'm stressed out, we deserve that donut, yessss, eat it, ssshhhh, it will all be over sooooon..." and I would have complained on Instagram about the lack of milk in this office like a whiner.
Instead I'm feeling just fine and haven't overloaded on unnecessary carbs!
Seriously though if it had glaze or icing or custard or even jelly I probably would have had it. So I'm not as awesome as I sound. I basically turned down sweet choke-bread. Woo-hoo go me.

It felt like a big step though, okay?

Friday, May 30th; Day OMGIGIVEUP

--Today did not start off well. It was a bad number morning. And like, not even that bad but I was brushing my teeth and thinking, "hmm, I think I did really well maybe it will be good news!"
It wasn't.
Despite exercising and forgoing donuts and eating watermelon slices and single hardboiled eggs as meal supplements for dayyyzzz I'm back up 2 whole pounds from my last weigh in.
Which could very well be bloating.
But it is so incredibly discouraging. From the beginning of the year until now I've only fluctuated within 5 lbs from my original start weight. I even went beyond that weight which is why I really kicked myself into gear a few weeks ago and started this blog-logging. (redundant much?)
Basically I'm frustrated. I'm slumped in a mucky rut of frustration.
And I haven't gone grocery shopping so meal prep is no-fun-times.
Whining McWhinerson here!
And I think I want kids, HAH.
--Rationally, I'm aware that there are most likely extenuating factors contributing to this weight gain and that my mirror-induced-hopes are probably not in vain because hello muscle gain.
But I'm quickly losing my ability to be rational no matter my efforts. Thanks uterus.
--Back to whining, BASICALLY I feel like I've been stuck around 175 for sooo loooong eating whatever junk I wanted to and living pretty sedentarilly (not a real word #yolo) but I wasn't getting any worse. So shrug, it was okay! But now I'm fo realz trying really hard and I'm going nowhere fast. NOWHERE. I've been glaring at that blasted 7 for so effing long I feel like it's my conjoined twin and we share a heart so I can never be removed of it. Y'know, without becoming a "heartless" monster. (ba-dum-tss)
And I knooooow, 175 isn't a horrid weight. I should be grateful.
But that's the other half of this equation.
It's incredibly frustrating to feel like I can't vent about the things that are "giving me grief" in my own life because I'm worried about offending someone else or giving the impression that I'm ungrateful for my circumstances or don't realize how lucky I am.
Just sometimes...I feel fat.
Regardless of who I know or how educated I am on BMI or how many "weight vs. height" obesity graphs I've memorized, I just. feel. fat.
I feel gross and unattractive and like a large, disgusting, human balloon. Except the balloon is old and deflated and stretched out and smells like saliva. (I don't smell like saliva, just...the metaphor... #descriptivewritingishaaaaard)
But it's hard to face those feelings and work through them and come out the other side feeling confident and okay with where I'm at and okay with the steps I'm taking to fix myself when I can't admit to having those feelings in the first place for fear of social retribution.
And like, you guys are nice! I like you people! I don't know why I'm so afraid of you yelling at me because I think I'm fat...sometimes.

Not sometimes I'm afraid but I only really, legitimately sometimes rag on myself for being heavier than I think I should at this point in my life. Heavier than I want to be, mostly.

Sigh.

Oh, I guess we're done emotionally vomiting now all over this public space. Yeah? Cool.

Actually one last disclaimer: Words of encouragement are appreciated, if you feel so inclined, but I have my weight loss plan and I've been on it for almost a month now and I'm sticking through this rough patch so please don't bombard me with tips and tricks and ask me to join your body building/cross fit/oil wrapping group because I will feel really awkward about it and agonize over how to turn it down without hurting your feelings and probably end up sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it altogether and then both of us will be sad and I really don't want that.
Please still be my friend though.

Monday, June 2; days and things

--That weekend flew by.
--The struggle is so very real.
--I've already had a cup of hot cocoa and a krispy kreme donut today and I have a grand total of zero delusions that I will be able to resist a second one after an appropriate amount of time waiting for everyone else to get at the box. You snooze, you lose. #allisfairinloveanddonuts (love and donuts, they're the same thing, right?)

--Weight is the same. As ever.
--BUT! I measured myself again and so far I've lost a total of two inches in bust (/sob) and three in waist! Really excited about that. Hips just as wide as ever.
--It's supposed to be bleepin' hot today so a bike ride after work is definitely on the slate. Plus our tv room is a bit occupied so Taebo is less of an ideal idea.

This fort was the best idea. We watched a movie, and played cards, and did 20 Questions; Animal Style also-unlimited-questions-style-because-reasons. And stayed up till almost eleven. On a work night! /legasp
Even Odin joined in on the fun but it was too dark to get a good picture. It was rather a "Camel in the Tent" experience.
As an effect of staying up till eleven, the fort still remains currently standing because we're not nearly adult enough to clean up after ourselves in a timely manner.
What iz dis, real life?! Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
It'll come down today, tho. Probably. Maybe. Or perhaps I'll eat popcorn and watch series three of Sherlock on Netflix. Finally.
There's laundry to fold. That's enough adult for one day.