It really is sometimes. Gets me into all kindsa trouble. I used to just not say anything, ever, but that wasn't any fun. It all flooded out in high school creating a loud and obnoxious immature me. I got a little better in college, picking and choosing who and when I spoke out around.
It's not always foolproof. Hardly ever, actually.
For example, today at work; it was Senior Ditch Day so classes were pretty small and intimate compared to the usual chaos. In third hour, we were in the middle of a song when the choir director puts a hand on my shoulder, apparently reacting to a student in the choir and mentioned that I would be leaving this job for a new one. Some kids hadn't heard yet and there was a wave of reaction.
Trevor shouted out, "What if we get a petition?! Will you stay??" I assume he was kidding, because that's not why I'm leaving but I opened my blabber mouth and blurted out,
"If you guys wanna pay for my house and babies, then sure! I'll stay."
Immediately I knew that wouldn't translate the way I meant it; simply that I need to be saving up much more money than I'm earning currently so we can pay for these future events, such as house ownership and parenting. I tried to backpedal and shouted, "NO!" but it was far too late. The uproar of "You're pregnant!!?" "HOPE!" "Oh my gosh, Hope's pregnant!" drowned out any denial I tried to procure.
I hid my head in shame and just laughed at the absurdity.
Mr. J lays his hand on my shoulder again and consoles me, "Just let it slip, didn't you."
"No, but really! I'm not!!"
They finally started to believe me once my face had shaded to a nice, ripe cherry. We tried to get singing again but that song was toast after my non-slip-up debacle.
In conclusion, NO BABIES in the near and foreseeable future.
Also in the category of my communication issues, I have finally bit the proverbial bullet and gotten myself a gym membership! I'm pretty excited about it and that Mark found it important enough to allot room in our money budget. He's so good about working out at home that the gym-mentality doesn't register with him but for ME, it's much more enjoyable.
So today I had my first meeting with the trainer and I was so pumped about going I got there a little early and stepped in for the step class currently going on. I made it about 20 minutes into the 45 minute class.
I'm so out of shape, it's depressing. There were 80 year old women kicking my trash in that step class. High five to them, thumbs down to me.
So I'm a wimp at step, I tried to jog a little bit but that made my breathing raspy and painful. So I wimped out on that too. I checked in and they called for my assigned trainer over the PA. So I sat and waited and felt guilty for my lack of cool-down. My pulse pounded through my whole body and my palms itched. Familiar, and I knew I should just get up and pace a little bit.
At 6 my trainer found me and let me in on what we'd be doing, she said, "We're gonna fill out this quick start form and since you've already warmed up we can skip straight to the workout."
I don't know why exactly, but I'd been under the impression we were just gonna talk about goals and my body issues and then she'd lead me around the gym and run over machines or something.
Luckily we were sitting for a while and I got my breathing and pulse back to normal. Then we went over a bunch of goals just like I thought. But the questions they ask are just ridiculous.
What is your purpose in coming to the gym?
Well, I want to get below 140 pounds.
What will achieving your goal do for you?
Erm, I guess I'll feel better? Look better.
Why is this important to you?
How about because I don't wanna be fat. I made up something like I wanna make good habits now.
They made a big deal about my husband supporting me "100%" in my endeavors. Like any minute I'm gonna say "Ah, nah he thinks it's a waste of time and I should be donning my apron and baking an apple pie once I've hung up all the laundry and swept the doorstep." Of course he wants me to be my healthiest and feel good about my body. Neither of us is happy when I'm all self-conscious. It was the second time this gym had questioned me about it and I was tempted to make some snide comment but I merely replied, "Yes, of course he does." And then she asks if he has a membership and it all makes sense. Stupid sneaky gyms.
It was all a bunch of psychological mumbo-jumbo and I had no idea how to answer most of it, she prompted me continually.
It's not a big deal, I'm perfectly healthy, I just feel the need to be better so I'm going to be. There's no deeper, underlying meaning behind it. I'm just shallow and wanna lose some weight. The end.
It was really great though, I've got that good kind of sore going on and my trainer was friendly and fun to work with. Very helpful.
I came home and sliced off a bit of wheat bread to have with a slice of cheese and a big salad, lots of crunchy and minimal dressing. I drink water when I'm feeling munchy, or I eat baby carrots/celery sticks and then if I'm still munchy I find a small indulgent snack.
I'm not gonna say this time is different, cuz it's not. I just barely started being good about eating and today was my first day back in the gym so I'm still on the new routine high. We'll see how this goes and hopefully me being public about it might hold me a little more accountable. Both on this blog and in going to an actual gym. I should probably take pictures to catalog it for myself, but I won't be sharing those beauts with y'all. Maybe once/if I get to a good place and I'll do a before and after.
Like I said, "we'll see".